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thank you

I am writing over at my diary lately and especially this weekend... I am participating in a few activities intended to help people effected by Hurricane Katrina... please visit and click on the links and help all you can... thank you.

my feelings of the past week can be summed up too well by this song:

What Made American Famous

I wish you could hear it...

(anyone with an mp3, please send it to me or let me know where I can download it or at least link to it... thanks)...

and if I work a hundred hours a week...

an abundance of overtime is now a relative constant opportunity at work (I figure after a year of being stuck in the "we desperately need people" end of the "cut back on overtime" vs "desperate need" cycle, management has forgotten that come October they will be freaking out over the budget overruns due to overtime... but that's their headache and in my place, when you try to help management with an upcoming headache, they try to blame you for causing it, so it's best to let the blind lead the blind into the walls and headaches they cause for themselves)... I can pick up a shift a week without even asking (in fact they are trying to mandate at least that much)... and if I really wanted to, more weeks than not, I could work seven days a week, sixteen hours a day...

so I sit here calculating how many hundreds of dollars more I would have in my pocket depending on how many extra hours I pick up each week... I could be rich, relatively speaking...

of course I sit here at home pondering this most of the time because I basically do not want to work much more than I do... so I remain poor, but happy...

every year that passes I treasure my free time more...

you should too J
  • Current Music
    CD

belly full but me hungry...

I woke with this odd feeling of almost being rested today... still feeling uncomfortable in this body, feeling like an alien in this world, but more rested than I've been in months, maybe a year or more... and that feeling lead me back to the gym... you can find the gorey details, minimal as they are, over in the mostlydead journal... the hope that I might be ready to wake up again brings me here...

but there I was crossing the twenty minute mark on the elliptical machine and feeling the strain and suddenly, Amy Lee is singing Wake Me Up Inside... the universe provides...

I am not a body builder or even a gym regular, though once upon a time I did run marathons and work out daily... I felt a lot younger then... maybe I was (and I am smiling at this?)... various influences and forces, including mother nature (hurricanes shut down the gym and altered my exercise routine last summer and I never did get back to a routine, until today?... maybe... one day a routine does not make) fed into my natural laziness and growing apathy (or is that ambivalence?) about physical life in the past years... people who betrayed my trust, people who used me and discarded me did not help... I mean, what's the point of all the hard work required to keep a body optimally fit if I'm not going to share the body?...

for me?

oh, yeah...

yes, I should do it for me... because I do not like feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time in this body... ironically, I gained a pound since my last workout (last November... I'm not counting my trip to the gym with Dr. Lala a little while back, if only to help me forget that rather sad incident... look for the LaLa conversations in behind the candoor or call and ask, I've written enough about it)... seems my natural weight cap remains just under 220 and I would be wise and much more comfortable under 180... lots of people are on weight loss journeys out there in cyberspace, maybe I should seek support and inspiration online?... never worked before, but then, there's always a first time... I'll stay open to it even if I don't seek much...

the physical world, for me, is offline... ideally, a gym and workout partner in the physical world... no, more ideally, a roommate who appreciated good eating habits, cleanliness, and serious exercise would be ideal... then again, if she was a libido fantasy and we fell in mutual fairy tale love, now that would be ideal... actually, ideals are not constant as they are quests for perfection, so a perfections who was not too OCD and truly balanced and all of the above...

yeah, so anyway, if anyone is in Orlando and wants to hit a tennis ball around (I've got the courts) or join me in the gym or just do something that gets our bodies much more active than couch potato, please call the number in the previous entry...

and if you're young and petite and adorable, no worries, I'm not looking for sex and can be polite in my conversation, even if I have to wipe away a little drool when you're not looking... just ask my adorable little neighbor who doesn't even know I exist even though our front doors are a few feet apart (actually, I saw her for the first time tonight on the way home from the gym, so score two for the universe in providing the ideal inspiration for my newly awakened health-kick)...

seriously, I am not nearly the tease I might be online...

unless you want me to be...

this is what comes of one trip back to the gym... a few more trips and I'll be updating perversions and advertising in singer magazines for group sex...

maybe not...

back to life and reality, it's time to take a shower and get to work... I will require food as well since I have a meeting in the morning and food tends to keep me more alert after a long night of paperwork and hallway walking... so I bid you a fond adieu with the hope that you might find some inspiration in your life, wake up to a new attitude and feeling of hope, and find your ideals more within your reach...

even if it's in dreams...

pre-eulogy to the old laptop

I may be premature, but I am preparing an ode, eulogy form, to the old laptop... it is dying, it seems, and may not allow me to retrieve essential data from it before it goes under for the last time, which will end the run of some accounts and contacts that are only accessed from that laptop... sad, but life...

since getting a new laptop would be wise (so I tell myself), I'd appreciate any information any of you have on the qualities and deficiencies of laptops, all price ranges... my wallet points me to the used section, telling me I can get more for $500 there than I would get buying one of those sale $500 laptops I keep seeing advertised, but then, I've been out of the techie loop for so long, I have no idea what is a good deal anymore... hardware becomes obsolete so quickly, I do not see buying top of the line stuff as worthwhile... if I can avoid spending a much more than $500.00US, it would be nice... but if I was to find out that it might be worth it to spend more on a laptop, well, I might cave in and lock my budget director in the closet...

I will try to access email, but it may be futile for a few days... candoor @ gmail dot com may be best for now...

if you don't know much (but I think I love you), but might know anyone with vast knowledge in computer purchasing, please pass along my number 407-325-1482 or gmail address or ask the person with the knowledge yourself, whichever is easier and works for you and the person...

knowledge would be very much appreciated...

may your day be better than mine :)
  • Current Music
    CD

I think I am boring myself

I am over there rambling at an obscene rate, using every writing motivating trick in the book, whining about loneliness and lamenting over losses and abuses and scraping the bottom of my barrel for hope and optimism (and sometimes coming up short, but still not waking the dead or even sleepwriting my way through the blahs of sameness that have enveloped the experiment I loosely call my life of late)...

and so I come to this place, my other madhouse, to contemplate my navel and I find my friends page bubbling with inspirations (which leads us to the obvious question as to why I do not come back here more often, which leads to so many possibilities that the obvious answer is a lack of time, but et tu may be a cop out {as I had the past five nights off and must work in two hours and only now come here which leads to speculation that I may be avoiding serious contact with those who stimulate and amuse me, or anyone who might care}, which could be confronted in some future entry if I remember what it is I am talking about) and I feel like leaving a comment or few so I do and maybe I'll just come here and do it more often cuz I'm smiling and...

am I doing the same thing here?... damn those whippoorwills...

I would say I'll try again next time I have something interesting to say, but then, I might be gone again for an indefinite period... so maybe I should just try again tomorrow and see what happens... after all, if I am boring myself, I can't very well avoid it if I post an entry or few and find I'm boring you too... silence is deafening, you know?... maybe it's time to find myself again... and wake up...

and will I really love where I find myself?
  • Current Music
    CDs

yeah? what? so?

no time to update my daily diary, yet I come here to wonder why I come here when there's no time to update my daily diary (which is, as you must know by now, or at least I hope you do, elsewhere... for now) even as these little flies buzz around and bug the crap out of any ability to focus and concentrate I might have left in my sleep-deprived and probably more depressed than I let myself know brain...

is it because I want the kind of attention some of you get here at LJ, the appearance of having a lot of wonderful people commenting because they truly care and are interested in knowing you and even meeting up and sharing some time in space and fun?...

is it because I sense the widespread depression in the air and the coming recession and potential for atrocities and madness that might or might not lead to another resurgence of frivolous enlightenment like the roaring twenties or sixties (and in the face of conservative hatred of change and repression of open minds dominating the human race these days, am I still trying to be the hippie I once was or thought I might have been?)...

what's that got to do with writing here?

or maybe I am just trying to stay alive even as the walls crumble all around me and nobody is actually noticing except for a few of you online who are unfortunately a bit too far away to hold the umbrella or pick up any pieces...

start here and after you find time to read all the way through (even though it's far from complete, especially the commentary), let me know what you think...

maybe I am still wishing I was in with the UK in crowd (or am I just teasing myself and hoping someone else laughs too)... do you know?... or how about you... lost in all the mysteries, fading into histories, how much time is left, after the theft...

Ryan Adams sings Wonderwall...

I shout out to all my friends here and wish you bliss, or at least comfort... and wonder what the heck is going on in my head (anybody providing any clues will be most appreciated and who knows, you might even win an all expenses paid trip to a swamp, or a theme park, or a nice spot under a tree, even)...

if I wrote here more, I wonder what I would say.
  • Current Music
    S

stolen moments...

I keep wishing I had more time to be online, to read more friends and write more so people I want to call friends might know me and have someone to call friend (a silent journal is hard to call a friend, I know... you {and I} must read these wonderful people more often... remind me)... I do ramble on over at my daily diary, but so much of what comes out there is attention seeking drivel (and this isn't?... oh sure, we have time for self-mockery, not) and even though the sincerity is still somewhere in the babbling, I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to the point, or have one...

I do have a point, really I do... and it's not just clicking my heals together to find some imaginary way back home either... someday i might discover the true worth of what I am and can do, but until then I love to write so I write and if you notice, that's icing (very delicious icing, by the way) on the cake of this life as I know it...

I must head out to work in moments and the usual stuff (shower, dress, eat, etc) calls for time before I leave... if you are up in the middle of the night (eastern US time) and want to talk, you could try me at work at 407-281-7000 ext. 166 or 164 (they can usually find me if I'm not right by the phone)... 1 - 5am Eastern US time would be best), though an hour before and after would work too... I couldn't promise a long conversation since we're not supposed to take personal calls and sometimes there's a noseybody floating around the phone, but I'd love to hear from you... 407-325-1482 is still the home cell and when it's on and I'm awake, I answer...

maybe it I write shorter entries, I could find time more often... a thought to ponder tonight as I watch the sleeping kids at the work that pays the bill... much joy bubbles up inside looking for a way out and if there was only time, I'd find that way... music continues to return (life signs) and except for working 15 days in a row, I'm trying to get out more and connect with new friends (success is relative, but happening)... life is elsewhere, still, and I'll get back to it one of these days...

how's yours?
  • Current Music
    CDs

strangers make the best friends

when I write the entry that goes with the title of this entry, it may make more sense... it if makes sense to you already, then you understand... you might not know what I mean though... in any case, though I might be writing elsewhere more than here, I wish you all peace and understanding (especially if you are sincerely trying to understand me) and appreciation far beyond these words can offer...

and after you've heard and read it all
you know we've only just begun
there is so much more yet to be shared
and still more connections for the one


I feel hippie today... probably because I am set to go to a three day music festival (yes, someone actually read me and responded and wants to go which only goes to prove we are crazy and loving every minute of it) in a couple of weeks where we'll be camping out and going all primitive... there's nothing like getting to know a person through their body oders...

I've been slightly encouraged to come here to LJ more often of late, so I might find myself wandering around here more... feel free to all applaud and cheer at once, but please try no to tear the clothing...

to be seriously serious for a moment (and give you lots of other reading that relates to me), thank you for wanting to know me in any way shape or form... and to the current 58 of you who deem me a favorite at Dland, bless you for the recognition and public appreciation and opportunity to connect with others that you provide for me...

and to you guys leaving comments and contacting me in odd ways to encourage me to come here to LJ more often, yay for you because you give me good feelings (and not all of those are below the waist, ya know)...

and to the few who email and call, your tolerance for my quirks, your patience with my delays, and your understanding of my maze and distractions (and you know who you are) is the wonderously wonderfilled wonder of the internet and you... someday I hope to have the means to thank you all as I would like to... until then, know you are blessed and loved every day...
  • Current Music
    Kathleen Edwards & Rilo Kiley