candor (candor) wrote,
candor
candor

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letters

the correspondence I've known in this life has been amazing... full of passion, grace, fire and fury... through words I have met roommates, soulmates, family, friends, and some very challenging minds... sometime synchronicity, sometimes opposition, so often excitement and meaning well worth the time spent corresponding... I corresponded with hundreds of people for dozens of letters over the years, sometimes a dozen of letters a month for many years... there were years in which I sent and received thousands of personal letters... and then I stopped...

the why and wherefore of the stoppage has been touched upon in previous entries, but the point of this entry is to share an attempt to overcome the obstacle, whatever it is, in the way of my sharing as I used to... perhaps I've built walls... perhaps I've just died enough to not care... hopefully either answer or whatever the blockage is just temporary... that hope is fed by the following excerpts from the latest letter to someone I'd like to call friend, someone I'd dare believe might understand and care enough to know me and share...

and so I begin, Dear...

<td>thank you for your responsiveness... I feel foolish being such a poor correspondent and letting the word below wait so long for a response... but this is where I am these days, bored with myself, lazy and apathetic, and a poor correspondent...

still, you are worth facing this less than pleasant self-realization and trying to come out of it, if only for a few minutes now and then to keep in touch and try to become your friend...

it seems that over the last few years it has become a struggle for me to believe in anyone, including myself, on a personal basis... the pile of betrayals and apathy has grown so huge that a numb acceptance and ambivalence dominates my desires and yet... somewhere inside an insatiable spirit and incorrigible child still believes in love and the possibility that it will be actualized in this lifetime... and trust, it is all about trust... I believe I can still trust, but I no longer initiate, I no longer pursue, I no longer follow up on possibilities... I sit alone within myself watching the world go around and wait for someone to come in...

and I ask myself now if I have accurately described myself at this point in life and I think that maybe I have... I still believe that anything is possible...

I moved to Orlando in 1990... the weather is the second reason I moved here... I love heat, I love water... the first reason was the party-like atmosphere, the place where more people let their inner children come out than maybe anywhere else... unfortunately, alone, this place is as lonely as anywhere, maybe moreso...

it sucks when loneliness is the dominant feeling, subject, and thought on my mind... especially when I tend to have such a one track mind so often...

it sucks a lot these days...

my family and friends are all gone, dispersed and out of touch, unfortunately... a series of foolish moves on my part and poof, I am as alone in this world as I was the day I was born... it is, however, much more challenging to find friends, adopt people, and create a social life than it was way back then... people seem to lose that ability as they age... maybe me too... hope not... but it is challenging to tell alone (these activities require at least two)...

when I get older, hopefully I'll find family like you to adopt me... until now, the only relationships I've ever had with anyone is the care-giver, the caretaker... that's my job... that's the only interpersonal role I've ever known in life... I have never known the position of being taken care of... never known the experience of being cared for by someone more parental than I am... it's been a strange life being me...

I wonder if I could ever learn to be unconditionally loved and nurtured now after all these years of not knowing it... some tell me it is something that must be learned in early childhood... some tell me all that is psychobabble... I believe anything is possible...

I said that before, huh?... trying to remind myself, no doubt...

well, this is a bit more of an introduction to me...

remember how lucky you two are to have each other (and I'll be here to remind you about the alternative in case you ever forget or have doubts)...

your goodness inspires me, thank you...

candor</td>


and there we are, or here, for that matter, another little piece of my heart out (baby?)... I slice of the beating (lub-dub, lub-dub) as it happens... perhaps not quite pathetic or morbid enough to make it to the land of the mostly dead where I go when I am just plain old feeling sorry for myself, or just feeling plain old... perhaps there is a glimmer of hope clear enough in these words to inspire some of you to want to know more, to do more than pity me for my foibles and loneliness and perhaps find a light in the darkness that might be worth believing in... maybe this is a sign that I am doing that myself...

though the daily grind (mindless and mindful babble) happens elsewhere these days, this is the reason I keep this journal open... to come here when I have something more serious, some more depth about me than the meanderings about the everyday tasks of life... the pages of this journal will be filled in with creative play and more in the hope that by connecting the dots between these scattered entries, more of the person I am will be expressed in words... truth is all I seek... well, beauty too, but if beauty is not to be here, then truth will satisfy...

I appreciate your caring, your comments and notes and reading words here and there and anywhere you might find them... I am a man of my words, and share words for all seasons, for in the end, the words I write are equal to the person I might be, given the chance to actualize the words through sharing... here, in these entries, words are all I have to offer today... to take your heart away, to enter your mind, to be whatever I might be when you tell me who I am in your eyes... I am nothing in your silence, I am only in these words and those you share, and yet, the truth remains that if we do not understand silence, we will not understand words...

so to the spaces between... and the silence within... may we find the connection... and may sharing begin... may we begin...
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  • vacancy

    if there was more time, I would write here more often... I suppose I could (and maybe should, for those of you who care and do not have time to…

  • the relativity of time

    is never more apparent to me than here... for this was the first place I came as I drifted from the womb I created in a vain attempt to believe in a…

  • (no subject)

    I've become so random, that is... that once a week entry thing didn't quite work out I see... for anyone seeking a taste of what I actually do…