my candor could be yours

vacancy

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 10:20:09 GMT

if there was more time, I would write here more often... I suppose I could (and maybe should, for those of you who care and do not have time to follow me around elsewhere) at least share what I write daily elsewhere but cutting and pasting it here, at least when there is not enough time to write a separate entry here (which is about every day)... I do write a couple of entries elsewhere every day... at least two a day, consistently, often more...

tonight I sit here listening to a new Say Anything CD and ponder life and how I live it, knowing I am copping out and sliding into lazy flabby old age much faster in recent months cuz I've been indulging my taste buds and eating emotionally cuz I'm lonely and lack other stimulations... food is always available (and I know how lucky I am) and makes for a wonderful solitary party for me...

a few days ago I started writing an entry meant for here but it ended up over in my daily life blog... I was listening to After Forever and remembering how much I enjoy her voice and the majestic sound... I found an mp3 player on a myspace profile that actually plays (so far, at least) on my ancient machine... it's kind of amazing whenever songs play on this old machine...

I spend a lot of my online time wandering around myspace lately... I don't know if it's the biggest profile community on the web, but it's definitely large... I post a blog there now and then and have attracted a small blog audience (and a whole lot of people, real and imaginary, on my 'friends' list)... as I do wherever (oh ever) I wander (thank you mike Scott and the Waterboys), I search for a rose (metaphor)... I love the idea of a seemingly endless world (albeit cyber) of music and art and words and different people... if I was more concrete and/or ambitious, I'd have created a site like myspace a long time ago... that's why I enjoyed the UseNet back in the nineties and my email groups were heading in that direction, but I lost interest due to lack of time and fundage at the time...

if I ever get my stuff out of storage I'll send you all a copy of Paper Fantasies... it's a small pen-pal magazine I published a while back (in the days of snail mail)...

and my addiction to rambling on in written words has not abated in spite of my having less time to indulge my inner babbler... the babbler remains home at behind the candoor where a ramble a day continues to pop out (though sometimes it's a week or few between the sudden flood of many entries)...

maybe I say a lot more about myself there or somewhere else, or maybe not... I am not very narcissistic at heart, in spite of what my playful ego would have us believe... writing about myself happens when I find someone interested in me, when I am asked specific questions about myself, but when I am just rambling to myself or anyone who cares to read, I don't think I am as self-focused as I pretend to be at times when I am teasing myself (and you) about how wonderful it is to be me... not that it's not wonderful to be me, for me, at least... but I do not really know if anybody else would want to be me... I am special in my eyes, but I don't think an autobiography would sell...

of course I've been wrong about a lot of things in this life...

maybe it's a way of avoiding rejection... if I wait to be asked, I am not asking anyone to listen or read or want to know me (but I express my wish to share often, so maybe I am as much a dichotomy as I feel at times)... and then again, it could be that I am too self-sufficient... as much as I want to (and believe I still can because I have before and feel pretty well healed) share everything in an intimate partnership, I rarely feel needy about it and usually can be quite happy partying all by myself as I believe that alone is the natural state of the human (and I accept and somehow remain comfortable with that even as loneliness can feel like drowning some times)...

my lack of neediness may keep me alone, especially as years pass, because my comfortable acceptance of aloneness seems to keep people who feel neediness away (and that's just about everybody I've ever met)... it's as if people are most comfortable with others who share their specific degree of security and those with less security are uncomfortable being intimate with those with more security and those with more security are uncomfortable with the insecurity of those with less security... or something like that...

I hope you are finding your comfort and satisfaction in whatever you choose to do with your time and if you too are searching for something or someone, I hope you find it or her or him soon... and if you leave a few words here for me to find when I next come back, thank you for taking a moment to share the journey...

so here we are again... I suppose I've returned here to wish you Happy Holidays and another Happy New Year... I hope this past year was better than previous years and even more, I hope next year is your best year yet... may you find peace and joy in all you do and may you find someone who shares it with you...

and I continue to toss my words out on the cyber seas in posts that are akin to messages in bottles and I continue to hope someone who relates to me and my words will respond... and maybe, among the fellow travelers out here, someone who shares the same (or at least close enough to be intimately compatible) comfort and security and perspective on life and everything will come along... the internet gives me one more public way of keeping my doors open... and keeping the 'vacancy' sign out in public...

and whether I'm right... or whether I'm wrong... I'm me J

the relativity of time

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 08:53:11 GMT

is never more apparent to me than here... for this was the first place I came as I drifted from the womb I created in a vain attempt to believe in a mother who turned out to be a fucker in the most painful sense of the word and to reach out to the world from a position of rebirth yet, for all the time that passed away from the womb and between now and the beginning of this first step into the world of public community site writing, this is where I've been scattered most of all...

in the past six months I've been returning to the concert floor averaging at least a concert a week, though that's slowed considerably this month (perhaps that is why I am away so late on a work night, late because now I work days after years of working nights... perhaps is it excess energy and increasing hunger to share, to socialize, to interact with people... to be understood and appreciated and cared for... a boy can dream, aye?)... you can find a list of most of the concerts I've squirmed my way to the front of the stage at over in the real time blog (and if google gets their act together I might keep it there) where I am supposedly trying to keep track of the events of the day offline in brief (yes brief) entries...

also in that time space, I've started blogging over at my myspace blog... somehow I am attracting a few readers there and the my perception of the publicness of the site is influencing my writings in strange and enjoyable ways (for me, at least)... of course there's a voice in the background of my mind singing I'm just a man who's intentions are good, oh lawd, please don't let me be misunderstood and amused by the spectacle I am imagining it might become as real people from my real offline life, people I see daily, people with whom I live and work are fully aware of and connected as myspace friends there... it's been mentioned in passing, but nothing specific and nobody's asked or confronted me about anything yet and hopefully they are enjoying the ramblings and rhymes...

I am still babbling on and on and on (ad infinitum) in life in black and white behind the candoor (which would have been called behind the candor if someone else hadn't beaten me to my own name over at diaryland), though I am uploading in sudden spurts which completely befuddle virtually my whole audience there (and it was the largest once upon a time when I wasn't so haphazard and, well, befuddling)...

and there are other places (some mentioned previously, some new that I'll probably mention and link somewhere down the line)... one that comes to mind is a tribute to December 1st that inspired me to open a place for it, like there's a place for us, somewhere a place for us and for all who were once in love...

there's also a new local public blog hoping others in Florida will pick up it and will use it... my addiction to writing has not subsided, I just slipped so far out of the habit of coming here I even somehow messed up the password and had to reset it (even though I remembered it correctly... maybe it was the new security layer they put here)...

and just tonight I put yet another local personal online (which is amusingly ridiculous as I rarely get back to my onion blog (see previous entry for a link) , and what with just a few dozen (if that many) member so far (and maybe a half dozen females and yes, though I am not in the least homophobic, I still find my sensual attractions lead me to a narrow set of females, for what it's worth to ya), I don't expect much... I did write a message to one person there... now if I just remember to check before the new year...

and I signed up for a new writer's board (and wrote yet another odd introduction which I'll most likely include in a future behind the candoor babble), though only nine people have gotten there ahead of me, so it's quiet enough to be hunting wabbits over there...

and the new job, to jump offline a moment, that's much fun (who'd have thought data entry would be fun?.. just me)... actually, they call me a clinical data specialist and I do assessments and play other clinical roles, but I've been having much fun creating databases and spreadsheets and queries and forms and reports and flow charts and all sorts of fun for the directors and they've been loving me up with Fish Awards (wow, huh?)... adjusting to the day shift was a breeze, though every now and then I get the urge to stay up all night writing... like tonight)...

I probably left out a lot, but I'll leave some for next time just in case I get back here before the next millennium (probably will)... maybe consolidating my babblings and rhymes in one personal domain would be the best idea all around, but so far that
s not in the works... and until it is, I'll come wandering back here now and then, like a long lost friend, singing sure is good to see you once again...

hope you are loving life as much as you can and life is loving you even more...

nite nite :)

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 06:06:31 GMT

I've become so random, that is... that once a week entry thing didn't quite work out I see... for anyone seeking a taste of what I actually do offline in daily life, I've been keeping up almost daily updates, sorta brief even, in the RealTime™ blog (like I needed to start another... but I did so I did and I do use it even if nobody knows about it cuz it new)...

and there's still words happening behind the candoor, the diary I started that drew me away from here several years ago because this was to be a more serious, even mature (me?) or sophisticated or structured or something place and that was to be the free-flow babble place (which it did pretty much become), though the words have slowed there because writing time has been much limited in the last couple of months...

but this place... whether it was to be the shining light of me, autobiographical and seriously together reflections of the person I am or something else, has slept for some time... mostly... maybe that's because I am so far from the person I am (and the tears don't fall the way they used to... and the dreams seem to float high above... and the story of a life doesn't move much anymore when there is nothing but the same things to do every day... and nobody to love... oh, yeah)... I was supposed to face up to being mostly dead and get over it and wake me up inside, remember?...

hmmmm, life is a curious ride (and still a curious smile)...

anyway, for whatever unapparent reason (if there is always a reason after all), I wandered over here (ah, impulse brought me to add a new friend who just started a new journal here after impulse brought me to look past my own blank pages for the first time in weeks cuz maybe I had a little extra time tonight for the first time in weeks) and found myself creating this:

even though I can't even use it at the moment... numbers games have always grabbed me in my most random moments, after all... and so since I had this card thing to put out here I suppose the words just had to flow around it... and life?... life is so monotonous it is random... or is that so random that it is monotonous?... one or the other, perhaps both, but not neither... I think...

one of these days I'll stop thinking and tell you what I know again... just as soon as I tell me... then maybe I'll stop playing wizard behind the candoor and come out to be me again without any babbling frills or performance art... of course I do love the babble and the art, but that does obscure the enigma I might be if I was me, doesn't it?...

how would you know? (oh, tongue in cheek and tongue sticking out... not to mention the mischievous giggle... I am such a random child even if I am the only one who actually gets it all... peel the onion if you dare and tell the good folk {and credit thieves} at blogmad I've not gotten lost, but just random, for the moment at least... and if you are remotely amused, well, I hope you get closer someday)...

cheer up sleepy Jean... or is that Gene?... oh, stop judging and just join the party... so what if the bodies in orbit don't always turn you on, you don't have to come every time or even rub up against them (and you can ask them not to rub up against you if they invade your space and you don't want them to)... waiting for the right one to come along does not mean you must always be alone... well, not in every way... and Amy, anytime, ok?...

that goes for most of you who've been there before, though granted, not quite all... if only for self-preservation, you see (or if you don't see, don't worry, be happy, even if you don't ask for clarification and sit puzzled with furrowed brow and rack of brain... take heart in the fact that you can still blow your nose (if you can)...

isn't it rich?...

and if only to prove the veracity of the title, this entry was cut short (and off) just now be that uniquely Microsoft malady sometimes called death by browser as every window of the intrepid Internet Explorer just shut down for no apparent reason (I know, my fingers hit the alt f followed by the alt c keys quite randomly because I must have been typing something that somehow got me there, right)... anyway, say goodbye to all the open windows including the friends, wherever I was on that page, and all the links it lead to...

besides ender, I mean...

here are three of them that I recall finding interesting enough to want to save and add to my lists of links somewhere... in case you were keeping score and wanted partial data to skew the results, I mean... yeah... and Toronto too... and don't forget the audiophiles... y'old goat... remotely, remember?...

so anyway, I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time when I get home from working extra hours each week so I'm gonna go nod off in bed now instead of here in the chair... maybe you got something out of this entry and maybe it's nothing to you, but either way it's here, proof that I was, and sending a whole lotta love right to you... yes you, believe it, it'll feel better that way... it's been fun for me, at least... this writing... this life... this writing life... and everything too... well, almost everything... anyway...

nite...

it's so weird

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 12:50:44 GMT

I have about one loyal commenter, a far away friend who reminds me that it is possible to connect through words and maintain the feeling of caring, the bond of friendship through words at a distance, at every one of my diaries, journals, and blogs... a different loyal commenter at each, in fact... I probably have a few more loyal readers (hello out there) at each, different readers at each, but it is so weird cuz I don't have time to update daily anywhere these days and yet I am trying to cuz of about one person's feedback at each place...

is that pathetic or amusing?...

I'll be amused :)

yeah, well...

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 22:42:48 GMT

I have been busy alternating between working myself to death and vegetating offline and just today I uploaded more entries than I have in the past few weeks I think, so here I am with one more gasp as I fall over...

I work a double shift every Monday (starting Sunday night) these days and most of the time I am actually working at work (as opposed to letting the writer ramble on for all the voices in my head to vie over as I was doing for a while) and then there's my younger roommate who's on summer break who's always home who's distracting me with music (next Sunday, before a double shift, we'll be going to Warped Tour, all-day)...

but today I uploaded eight different entries (from philo-spiritual ponderings to romance to pathos to written in a marathon last night at work and thought about how I've neglected my original public journal right here), which brings me to upload these words (must work in 3 hours, must sleep)... bless us all, every one...

hey, what do you expect on one half brain cell power?...

RealTime™ (with links to all of today's uploadeds) and life here now

one a week?

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 00:06:57 GMT

will that satisfy me?... updating once a week, I mean... I doubt it... but that's almost what I've been doing in my diary that has become the primary babbling spot for me in recent times... I have updated a bit more in the new RealTime blog that is intended to be brief updates of real life offline for those who care and are in touch offline... and here, I am still not self-connected enough to be in touch with the part of me that started this journal all those years ago...

too much work and non-life stuff influencing me of late... no active activities, no exercise, no romance or passion, just a lot of daily life and taking care of others...

heck, I don't even have time to throw a pity party (though I don't think I want one, but I found the thought amusing)... summertime with a kid out of school at home makes for few self-moments... and at work I've actually been working on projects instead of writing, so...

the words pile up and sooner or later they will explode out of the finite space between my ears... hopefully they will make a little sense when they do :)

and I hope your life is fun, even if it's too busy for writing and keeping in touch... enjoy every moment as much as you can cuz that's what we're here for...

sorta starting over. slowly

Sun, 28 May 2006 11:29:48 GMT

there are so many different places to write online and I've but scratched the surface of a few… I still haven't found the conversation I've lacked (but then, I doubt that can be found online unless it moves offline and into eye contact very quickly)… still, I put words out there in the hope that someone nearby (or someone who wants to be nearby) might connect… maybe I ought to network all the active writing spaces better somewhere…

like on a new blog on my own domain, maybe?…

oh sure, as if anybody is following along with all the various places I write now… then again, there just may be a few of you and that tickles me deeply (wishing I could show you more appreciation)… and then again, again, I have a couple or few new ideas for blogging that I am bound to try out any day now simply because that's what I do, try out new ideas and diversify my portfolio as much as possible while still leaving enough content in each place to be representative of me or some aspect of me…

who gets that? (I mean the reasons and all?)…

meanwhile, I don't come here as nearly often as I used to and this may be the dead zone as far as my connections go… more than half of my LJ friends have dropped me from their friends lists due to my lack of posting (cuz they wouldn't just drop me cuz of who I am, right?) and this is where I get the fewest comments overall these days (considering I have two semi-active journals here)…

I've even forgotten what the tone of this particular journal was meant to be other than a general journal (most of my writing places have a tone or specific facet of my personality or experience to focus upon, but then, you know that if you've read here before)…

am I starting over?…

sort of, I suppose… I do see a few of you still around and noticing me and seriously, yay for you… I suppose the simple fact of the matter is that I don't have much of a life to write about and this journal was basically an introduction to me and life as I know it… life is going to work, coming home, and not much else… and the sub-routines within the daily work-home routine are fairly stable, which is odd for me unless I have a partnership (relationship) and I suppose I have slipped into my roommates lifestyle to substitute for the companionship of an intimate and they have rather sedentary uneventful lives too…

how boring I've become, aye?…

well, I'll see if I can dress it up a bit (but then, that's not what this journal is about… I have other places where I play dress up, after all)… yeah, well, anyway, thanks for sticking around if you've stuck around and maybe there'll be something to read and comment upon in the next installment of same old, same old here in this candor could be yours…

I sincerely hope your candor is more exciting J

John Cusack, eat your heart out

Wed, 17 May 2006 20:20:20 GMT

the anonymous comment can be so amusing when it is a parody of itself (would it be a pity if the commenter doesn't know it though?... that is the existential question of the day)... in the meantime, I thank you fine folk who travel the VARB (and this place doesn't even have a link or anything) to rate this candor well for spreading your joy and positivity... you make this world a better place...

if you don't know what I am talking about, then never mind (or just ask and I'll attempt an explanation if I can remember myself)... yes, it's true, I love it when a comment sums up everything in a few words... and I love it even more when I do it for myself, so be it a fine madness or a well balanced perspective, it's a delight to be amongst you when I am here...

such an ego, oy...

I shall confess... I purchased my first magazine in years today... it was pure impulse shopping and totally wish-driven... lust played a strong-bold role, as did the ever-present and all-powerful romantic foolishness of the hopelessly hopeful believer in fairy tales who lives inside my heart... yes, it was the May 2006 copy of Allure with Libbo's #1 visual fantasy on the cover (oh, I hear you laughing, but do you hear me laughing even cuterer?)...

did you know that 26% of women reported getting sunburned last summer?... yes, but what readers really want to know is how many of them had no tan lines!?... I am obviously in the wrong place... this is the babbling fool who goes by some other name reporting to you from this journal, obviously a case of mistaken identity... after all, this is supposed to be more of my serious side... just look back at the previous few years of profoundly touching and intimate entries... whatever became of me?...

allure... I give you page 172 and ask the obvious question, "wouldn't you like to be a headrest too?... yes, superficiality right here in the depths of the journal candor... can it be that I've been away too long?... is this a guest post by me evil twin sister posting as my twin brother who is caught up in the most hysterical identity crisis of the century?...

it's a young century, but still, the millennium is over for those who have died already... I just don't feel like making it make any sense to anyone today, so be whatever it'll be, it's amusing me... and as I said somewhere else at some other time, thought recently, I a existential, so sue me...

hey, it was funny at the time... could have been the drugs... or the company... everything is funnier in the right company... but personally, I don't recall a time when I was quite so frivolous here in this here journal, ya falla?... it must be those eyes... those lips... the freaking fantastic air-brushing... I think everyone should have professionally air-brushed pictures to put on the internet... then we could all fantasize about each other and never have to deal with reality again...

apparently I may have been left alone too lone in the sun and spoiled myself... or soiled myself, it's not always easy to tell when all you want to do is kiss a goll darn magazine cover... pathetic, perhaps, but you are missing out on something grand in this life if you don't have these sort of sordid fantasies from time to time...

and live to tell about it...

meanwhile, I returned from work quite recently and found fourteen hours had passed, so I stopped at the local Chinese buffet to chow down on some chow mein and shrimp when all of a sudden I got the great idea to stop at the local SuperSaver next door for some of Dove's Unconditional Chocolate ice cream which is my lastest oral fling and upon standing in the check out line who should I bump into if not Meg Ryan...

well flibber my gibbits...

so some hours later I rushed home to tell you all about it and that's all I'm gonna tell because, after all, the tabloids have to do some work on their own... and anyone even thinking of telling me to get serious ought to have their head examined because serious could not even begin to compare with the euphoria I am feeling right now...

bliss out, my homeys...

homina homina, even... yes, so this is the candorama man (or the candoramen noodly appendage) telling you to take heed when the great bowl of spaghetti in the sky rises once again to ascend to meatball heaven... no offend to the other spaghetti monster or even Christians, there's room in my melting pot for every sort of postulator and drool, be the friend, fanatic, faker or fool... surely you can groove on a little good gruel (and please don't call me shirley because I am so not your tool)...

no, I am Meg Ryan's tool... and in this Special Issue we can get a better body and be thinner, tighter, leaner in 6 weeks flat... and personally (and this is just personal preference, mind you, not any sort of personal slight of hand to the breastplate), I would much perfer a flat chested beauty to a fat chested bimbo, any day... and just wait till you see my hair and makeup preview (somebody wanna come over and do my hair?)...

well I've certainly rambled on here way longer than usual for this pion of decourum and you've been a lovely audience (and I'd like to take you home with me, I'd love to take you home), so it's time to let Groucho get on with the show...

be there or be a cubit...

wondering if I am still here

Sun, 14 May 2006 10:11:24 GMT

and how shall I (or we, if you have any ideas on sharing the responsibility with me) answer or define it, this being here concept... is it mostly my perception or is it tangible sharing that proves my existence in this space, in this place, this journal of candor... I flaunt my name as if it is a badge of honor I earned instead of just some word chosen out of the dictionary... and I ponder the definition of here...

once upon a time I had friends here who commented and connected in more meaningful ways... from these pages I received Illusions when I was most detached (in mind and the physical world) from material possessions... and then homemade cookies for the holidays... it's a blessing to meet someone that sensitive and generous with their time and things...

I see, in my absence, I have been pruned from the friends lists by some of people... understandable in most ways as some, perhaps many people wish to list only active journals on their friends lists... I say most ways because would I be any less worth friending or reading if I had died and left the pages on the web?... consider it a query in cyber-philosophy for future pondering if you like...

anyway, glancing at my friends page here at LJ, I see the most prolifica (for the moment) and
highly attractive agent obscura is still alive and uploading entries here... I remember feeling a kinship with her, literary, but much more, like a sister I lost somewhere along the way, and I hope you find time to visit her as she is much more than a pretty face... she is a delight to read, an optimistic cynic, and most wonderfully, she is a hugger...

I wonder if I ever told her I love her...

ah, the missed opportunities we miss in synthetic world we call cyberspace, or more specifically (and recently), the blogosphere... but then, there's is always time, as long as we are still breathing, to say what we want to say... and once I find time to move back to a commenting level of interaction here at LJ (if such time is to be found, what with my current addiction to surfing and chatting at blogmad {yes, I said chatting... in RealTime™ no less... can anonanonanon be waking?... I mean, re-drawn with an alarm clock ringing or something?... oh, if there was only time and someone who remembered}... so many communities, so little time)...

of course I could go elite (and aloof) and just use my own domain (since I've had it for years and it's paid for through 2013 if the world and I last that long... well, I suppose it's paid for even if we don't), but then, so many people do not leave the comfort and habits of their respective communities and I do want to keep in touch, even when I don't do it well... you know you should all join blogmad so we can catch up or reconnect or meet... or just for the new readers it will bring you...

but I was pondering my existence in some odd way before I interrupted myself with mostly egocentric philosophy and blatant self-promotion (have I mentioned that this is where I do most of my babbling these days yet?) and considering that those once on (and especially those still on) my friends page might have some play in (or something to say about) that answer...

suede jesus is one who maintains (at least he used to) a flow of words both here and at DLand and and so did gump, both characters I admire from afar and would like to find more time to read...

and I definitely remember lis for she introduced me to Rilo Kiley, Death Cab for Cutie and lots of other music I've come to love (any wonder why I crushed on her?)... she has so much life in her life she helps me remember when I did, I mean, before I retired to the night shift and the internet... she'd never let me get away with the crap I tell myself these days, which makes her all the more valuable a person to meet one day, if only for the effective kick in the head she'd give me... did I mention I love her sense of the absurd, and humor too?... and I do believe a Happy Birthday is right around this time of year, any day now, so

Happy Birthday Lisa-Marie J

a few I have not had much, if any interaction with, but who intrigued me from the comfort of my big green chair back when I was much more certain that I was here because I was actually writing and interacting here much more regularly include lindsey who knows she is because she blogs (which is a deep understanding some of us can relate to better than others out here in the wired world) and ... and then there's that smile...

all those who've updated recently can be found on my friends page and others who have not updated in the past week or so can be found in my profile and they are worth your time (even if they dropped me from their friends lists during my extended disappearance from this community)...

I suppose I could go leave them all comments telling them I've linked them and I'm back, but then, I'm not actually sure I'm back (notice the title and underlying theme of this entry?) and I'm not pandering for their attention (what?... me not beg for attention?... wow, this is another space and another side of me, huh?)...

so am I here?... well, I am a step closer with this entry if I am not... but then, existence and presence, while two different things, both start in the mind and in my mind I have always been here just as I am always in every one of my writing paths that end in different places on and off the web... so perhaps you didn't notice, perhaps you didn't care, but this is my heart, bleeding before you - wait, that's not the song I came to perform here tonight (besides, it's way paraphrased)... ah, yes, mostly dead just have to raise their blurry heads and open their bleary eyes and let something like a moan come out of their bloddy mouths... shhhh, they rest uneasy enough as it is without poking them...

so many different moods and perspectives, from peaks of euphoria where I am at one with the infiniverse to bottomless pits of despair where I wonder why I continue breathing, but I know that as long as I can laugh at myself, it's not time to go...

so I am here...

you?

seems like forever

Sun, 07 May 2006 07:39:03 GMT

and whether I stay home or go out, every day I come home to sleep alone seems longer and longer (it might help if I sleep, but then, why sleep?), though since laments are generally reserved for the lands of the mostly dead where the ever so creative starving artists pines over lost loves and cries large and lonely tears for all the time passing unshared, I won't go a-wandering too far down that long and winding road at the moment...

no, here is for the more real stuff about life and this person I've come to know as me (do the archives do that conceptualization of this journal justice?... who's to be the judges?... anyone who has the time to read I suppose, since it's a public access channel here) and that's usually much happier than the silly self-pity moments that grab me by the neck and threaten to choke the living daylights out of me from time to time...

what?... it never happens to you?... well aren't you the lucky liar (ok, ok, I'll not tease, maybe you have never known a moment of sorrow or despair and perhaps you live a charmed life and it's not just that you are a superficial twit who thinks that TV is real life and emotions are toys to play with and if you truly have found the secrets to nirvana amidst the disaster that humanity is creating daily in this world, then more power too ya bro and may it rub off on the rest of us asap)...

as demonstrated most effectively by the diary where I do most of my writing these days (in case you wondered and didn't already know, which would mean you're new around here since I mention it altogether too often to be considered even remotely cool, but heck, I'm candor spewing candor and that isn't always a pretty site... or cool, even)...

miss me?...

well, you know where to find me, don't you?... recently I've expanded to other community sites too... why just yesterday I finally made a post at my blogger blog, though the service hiccuped so quickly that I am not sure I can trust it, but expansion is good in my world, so something good is happening somewhere and it'll find it's way out eventually somewhere... maybe even here, aye?...

and there's BlogMad...

you must know about blogmad, right?... it's just the best way to get more visitors to your site short of looking like your favorite hottie and posing nude... yes, nude pics of hotties does usually work better than anything else at getting more visitors to a site, but if you're not ready to get undressed and snap your shutter, then BlogMad is the next best thing... you surf other great sites (well, some are great) and for every site you visit, you get another visitor to your site... simple enough... there's more to do on the site like games and a fun community is gathering there (you can even find me in the shout box or in IRC for a chat if you're so inclined... let me know you signed up with my referral and I'll spot you some extra credits... how exciting is that?)...

so besides working way too much and eating out too much and longing for love in all the wrong places, BlogMad is where I've been spending much time... just look:

I'm taking a break from racking my brain to remember as many of the sites I've registered on over the last nine years online because the ATT-SBC-YAHOO-PRODIGY merger (or whatever the heck they are doing) screwed up email accounts I've relied on for almost ten years and I'm scurrying around the web changing those email addresses before they can do any more damage... give me a small reliable company over a massive conglomerate any day...

yeah, so I've been way too busy to have a life anyway, no less too busy to lament over loneliness much, or even come here to update the candor as I used to do since 2001... luckily I find time at work to distract myself with this and that and the other thing...

so all is quite well, fine and dandy, even, here in my little world and I hope it's even better in your world... if you're still out there, let me know (yup, there's always hope around here) J

HELP AND INFO

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 17:17:51 GMT

RED CROSS * OTHER WAYS TO HELP
English: 1-800-HELP-NOW (1-800-435-7669)
Spanish: 1-800-257-7575 TDD: 1-800-220-4095

Find Hurricane Housing
Blogging for Relief
Messages From Mississippi
where I am rambling on at the moment

POST A MESSAGE
You can go into Walmart anywhere in the country, log onto any walmart website, even call an 800 number and either post a message to loved ones or search for messages from loved ones. Anyone can use it.

It is available at any Wal-Mart Store, SAM'S CLUB, Neighborhood Market, or Distribution Center via the hiring center kiosks, connection center kiosks, gift registry, and all Wal-Mart websites.

NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL
(straight from downtown New Orleans)

list of ways to donate or help
more links to donate or help
Corporate Donations Counted
free help to get word out that you're ok

if you stopped in here

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 14:36:54 GMT

thank you

I am writing over at my diary lately and especially this weekend... I am participating in a few activities intended to help people effected by Hurricane Katrina... please visit and click on the links and help all you can... thank you.

my feelings of the past week can be summed up too well by this song:

What Made American Famous

I wish you could hear it...

(anyone with an mp3, please send it to me or let me know where I can download it or at least link to it... thanks)...

and if I work a hundred hours a week...

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 12:21:47 GMT

an abundance of overtime is now a relative constant opportunity at work (I figure after a year of being stuck in the "we desperately need people" end of the "cut back on overtime" vs "desperate need" cycle, management has forgotten that come October they will be freaking out over the budget overruns due to overtime... but that's their headache and in my place, when you try to help management with an upcoming headache, they try to blame you for causing it, so it's best to let the blind lead the blind into the walls and headaches they cause for themselves)... I can pick up a shift a week without even asking (in fact they are trying to mandate at least that much)... and if I really wanted to, more weeks than not, I could work seven days a week, sixteen hours a day...

so I sit here calculating how many hundreds of dollars more I would have in my pocket depending on how many extra hours I pick up each week... I could be rich, relatively speaking...

of course I sit here at home pondering this most of the time because I basically do not want to work much more than I do... so I remain poor, but happy...

every year that passes I treasure my free time more...

you should too J

belly full but me hungry...

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 01:39:31 GMT

I woke with this odd feeling of almost being rested today... still feeling uncomfortable in this body, feeling like an alien in this world, but more rested than I've been in months, maybe a year or more... and that feeling lead me back to the gym... you can find the gorey details, minimal as they are, over in the mostlydead journal... the hope that I might be ready to wake up again brings me here...

but there I was crossing the twenty minute mark on the elliptical machine and feeling the strain and suddenly, Amy Lee is singing Wake Me Up Inside... the universe provides...

I am not a body builder or even a gym regular, though once upon a time I did run marathons and work out daily... I felt a lot younger then... maybe I was (and I am smiling at this?)... various influences and forces, including mother nature (hurricanes shut down the gym and altered my exercise routine last summer and I never did get back to a routine, until today?... maybe... one day a routine does not make) fed into my natural laziness and growing apathy (or is that ambivalence?) about physical life in the past years... people who betrayed my trust, people who used me and discarded me did not help... I mean, what's the point of all the hard work required to keep a body optimally fit if I'm not going to share the body?...

for me?

oh, yeah...

yes, I should do it for me... because I do not like feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time in this body... ironically, I gained a pound since my last workout (last November... I'm not counting my trip to the gym with Dr. Lala a little while back, if only to help me forget that rather sad incident... look for the LaLa conversations in behind the candoor or call and ask, I've written enough about it)... seems my natural weight cap remains just under 220 and I would be wise and much more comfortable under 180... lots of people are on weight loss journeys out there in cyberspace, maybe I should seek support and inspiration online?... never worked before, but then, there's always a first time... I'll stay open to it even if I don't seek much...

the physical world, for me, is offline... ideally, a gym and workout partner in the physical world... no, more ideally, a roommate who appreciated good eating habits, cleanliness, and serious exercise would be ideal... then again, if she was a libido fantasy and we fell in mutual fairy tale love, now that would be ideal... actually, ideals are not constant as they are quests for perfection, so a perfections who was not too OCD and truly balanced and all of the above...

yeah, so anyway, if anyone is in Orlando and wants to hit a tennis ball around (I've got the courts) or join me in the gym or just do something that gets our bodies much more active than couch potato, please call the number in the previous entry...

and if you're young and petite and adorable, no worries, I'm not looking for sex and can be polite in my conversation, even if I have to wipe away a little drool when you're not looking... just ask my adorable little neighbor who doesn't even know I exist even though our front doors are a few feet apart (actually, I saw her for the first time tonight on the way home from the gym, so score two for the universe in providing the ideal inspiration for my newly awakened health-kick)...

seriously, I am not nearly the tease I might be online...

unless you want me to be...

this is what comes of one trip back to the gym... a few more trips and I'll be updating perversions and advertising in singer magazines for group sex...

maybe not...

back to life and reality, it's time to take a shower and get to work... I will require food as well since I have a meeting in the morning and food tends to keep me more alert after a long night of paperwork and hallway walking... so I bid you a fond adieu with the hope that you might find some inspiration in your life, wake up to a new attitude and feeling of hope, and find your ideals more within your reach...

even if it's in dreams...

pre-eulogy to the old laptop

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 02:08:26 GMT

I may be premature, but I am preparing an ode, eulogy form, to the old laptop... it is dying, it seems, and may not allow me to retrieve essential data from it before it goes under for the last time, which will end the run of some accounts and contacts that are only accessed from that laptop... sad, but life...

since getting a new laptop would be wise (so I tell myself), I'd appreciate any information any of you have on the qualities and deficiencies of laptops, all price ranges... my wallet points me to the used section, telling me I can get more for $500 there than I would get buying one of those sale $500 laptops I keep seeing advertised, but then, I've been out of the techie loop for so long, I have no idea what is a good deal anymore... hardware becomes obsolete so quickly, I do not see buying top of the line stuff as worthwhile... if I can avoid spending a much more than $500.00US, it would be nice... but if I was to find out that it might be worth it to spend more on a laptop, well, I might cave in and lock my budget director in the closet...

I will try to access email, but it may be futile for a few days... candoor @ gmail dot com may be best for now...

if you don't know much (but I think I love you), but might know anyone with vast knowledge in computer purchasing, please pass along my number 407-325-1482 or gmail address or ask the person with the knowledge yourself, whichever is easier and works for you and the person...

knowledge would be very much appreciated...

may your day be better than mine :)

I think I am boring myself

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 00:55:17 GMT

I am over there rambling at an obscene rate, using every writing motivating trick in the book, whining about loneliness and lamenting over losses and abuses and scraping the bottom of my barrel for hope and optimism (and sometimes coming up short, but still not waking the dead or even sleepwriting my way through the blahs of sameness that have enveloped the experiment I loosely call my life of late)...

and so I come to this place, my other madhouse, to contemplate my navel and I find my friends page bubbling with inspirations (which leads us to the obvious question as to why I do not come back here more often, which leads to so many possibilities that the obvious answer is a lack of time, but et tu may be a cop out {as I had the past five nights off and must work in two hours and only now come here which leads to speculation that I may be avoiding serious contact with those who stimulate and amuse me, or anyone who might care}, which could be confronted in some future entry if I remember what it is I am talking about) and I feel like leaving a comment or few so I do and maybe I'll just come here and do it more often cuz I'm smiling and...

am I doing the same thing here?... damn those whippoorwills...

I would say I'll try again next time I have something interesting to say, but then, I might be gone again for an indefinite period... so maybe I should just try again tomorrow and see what happens... after all, if I am boring myself, I can't very well avoid it if I post an entry or few and find I'm boring you too... silence is deafening, you know?... maybe it's time to find myself again... and wake up...

and will I really love where I find myself?

yeah? what? so?

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 01:26:31 GMT

no time to update my daily diary, yet I come here to wonder why I come here when there's no time to update my daily diary (which is, as you must know by now, or at least I hope you do, elsewhere... for now) even as these little flies buzz around and bug the crap out of any ability to focus and concentrate I might have left in my sleep-deprived and probably more depressed than I let myself know brain...

is it because I want the kind of attention some of you get here at LJ, the appearance of having a lot of wonderful people commenting because they truly care and are interested in knowing you and even meeting up and sharing some time in space and fun?...

is it because I sense the widespread depression in the air and the coming recession and potential for atrocities and madness that might or might not lead to another resurgence of frivolous enlightenment like the roaring twenties or sixties (and in the face of conservative hatred of change and repression of open minds dominating the human race these days, am I still trying to be the hippie I once was or thought I might have been?)...

what's that got to do with writing here?

or maybe I am just trying to stay alive even as the walls crumble all around me and nobody is actually noticing except for a few of you online who are unfortunately a bit too far away to hold the umbrella or pick up any pieces...

start here and after you find time to read all the way through (even though it's far from complete, especially the commentary), let me know what you think...

maybe I am still wishing I was in with the UK in crowd (or am I just teasing myself and hoping someone else laughs too)... do you know?... or how about you... lost in all the mysteries, fading into histories, how much time is left, after the theft...

Ryan Adams sings Wonderwall...

I shout out to all my friends here and wish you bliss, or at least comfort... and wonder what the heck is going on in my head (anybody providing any clues will be most appreciated and who knows, you might even win an all expenses paid trip to a swamp, or a theme park, or a nice spot under a tree, even)...

if I wrote here more, I wonder what I would say.

if wishes were horses...

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 01:35:44 GMT

so sleepy...

I wrote this and then this and then would have written more here or some where (ever stand at the crossroads wondering where to go next?) and then thought of you here at LJ and realized there is not enough time to write here either, but I did anyway...

wish you were here J

stolen moments...

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 01:39:39 GMT

I keep wishing I had more time to be online, to read more friends and write more so people I want to call friends might know me and have someone to call friend (a silent journal is hard to call a friend, I know... you {and I} must read these wonderful people more often... remind me)... I do ramble on over at my daily diary, but so much of what comes out there is attention seeking drivel (and this isn't?... oh sure, we have time for self-mockery, not) and even though the sincerity is still somewhere in the babbling, I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to the point, or have one...

I do have a point, really I do... and it's not just clicking my heals together to find some imaginary way back home either... someday i might discover the true worth of what I am and can do, but until then I love to write so I write and if you notice, that's icing (very delicious icing, by the way) on the cake of this life as I know it...

I must head out to work in moments and the usual stuff (shower, dress, eat, etc) calls for time before I leave... if you are up in the middle of the night (eastern US time) and want to talk, you could try me at work at 407-281-7000 ext. 166 or 164 (they can usually find me if I'm not right by the phone)... 1 - 5am Eastern US time would be best), though an hour before and after would work too... I couldn't promise a long conversation since we're not supposed to take personal calls and sometimes there's a noseybody floating around the phone, but I'd love to hear from you... 407-325-1482 is still the home cell and when it's on and I'm awake, I answer...

maybe it I write shorter entries, I could find time more often... a thought to ponder tonight as I watch the sleeping kids at the work that pays the bill... much joy bubbles up inside looking for a way out and if there was only time, I'd find that way... music continues to return (life signs) and except for working 15 days in a row, I'm trying to get out more and connect with new friends (success is relative, but happening)... life is elsewhere, still, and I'll get back to it one of these days...

how's yours?

strangers make the best friends

Fri, 06 May 2005 01:36:23 GMT

when I write the entry that goes with the title of this entry, it may make more sense... it if makes sense to you already, then you understand... you might not know what I mean though... in any case, though I might be writing else where more than here, I wish you all peace and understanding (especially if you are sincerely trying to understand me) and appreciation far beyond these words can offer...

and after you've heard and read it all
you know we've only just begun
there is so much more yet to be shared
and still more connections for the one

I feel hippie today... probably because I am set to go to a three day music festival (yes, someone actually read me and responded and wants to go which only goes to prove we are crazy and loving every minute of it) in a couple of weeks where we'll be camping out and going all primitive... there's nothing like getting to know a person through their body oders...

I've been slightly encouraged to come here to LJ more often of late, so I might find myself wandering around here more... feel free to all applaud and cheer at once, but please try no to tear the clothing...

to be seriously serious for a moment (and give you lots of other reading that relates to me), thank you for wanting to know me in any way shape or form... and to the current 58 of you who deem me a favorite at Dland, bless you for the recognition and public appreciation and opportunity to connect with others that you provide for me...

and to you guys leaving comments and contacting me in odd ways to encourage me to come here to LJ more often, yay for you because you give me good feelings (and not all of those are below the waist, ya know)...

and to the few who email and call, your tolerance for my quirks, your patience with my delays, and your understanding of my maze and distractions (and you know who you are) is the wonderously wonderfilled wonder of the internet and you... someday I hope to have the means to thank you all as I would like to... until then, know you are blessed and loved every day...

something about the date

Mon, 02 May 2005 01:12:08 GMT

maybe if I came around here more often I'd find more company (feeling lonely, am I?)... actually, what I wish I could find was more local friends, especially local friends into music... I've been looking for someone (or people) to go to the Orange Blossom Music Festival with me... unfortunately, heading out to parts unknown for a three day sleep-under-the-stars without any real plan is not something my two orlando friends are into... Rasputin works too much and is not that into music and Helena likes her creature comforts and is particular about her music... anybody in Orlando up for a three day music party?...

if you're not in Orlando, but happen to have the spare cash to take a weekend off, that'd be great too... and even if you can't make it, sharing a few words here would be good for me so there's reason enough for me to come here more often... yeah, motivate...

anyway, I'm the kind of person who will drive there and make do with whatever I find, whether that's sleeping in my car or out on open ground (I might bring a blanket or sleeping bag or tent even and a cooler and some food, but sometimes spur of the moment trips happen while in the car and whatever is needed is found along the way)...

I've just become very lazy and use the excuse that I do not want to do these adventures all by myself to forget they are happening... I remember when Phil was starting SSA in 1999... I'd just gotten back to Orlando and was hoping to find a new life down here after a disastrous attempt at love and family in Toronto and Buffalo in the late nineties... my enthusiasm was depressed by the fact that all the contacts I was making were not very active and non-musical (perhaps because they were older)... my enthusiasm took a devastating blow in January of 2001 when I was taken for everything I had brought down with me to Florida by a person who called herself a friend... I detached myself from the group of people who introduced me to her, except for Rasputin and Helena, and found myself starting all over again from my car, just as I did when I left Toronto...

no wonder I'm told I trust and give too much, huh?...

anyway, that's all ancient history I don't need to be dragging around with me... I would love to get out to musical events and social places more often... I suppose I should just go by myself... even though that reminds me of how alone I am in this world and that depresses me... that's just a mind-set I need to work my way out of... I need a change of perspective... even more than I need a friend...

it's just all so much easier when someone is there to look you in the eye and understand, ya know?... and then there's the date... this is a personal holiday reminding me of the first time I fell in love forever... yes, forever... yes, I'm still in love with her and always will be... that doesn't mean I did not love before or after, you've just got to be in my heart to understand it I guess... love never ends...

at least not for me (read around and you'll know that I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic and somewhere out there my the ultimate forever soulmate of my dreams awaits... yeah, I believe in fairy tales and magic too)...

but until I fall in love again, it sure would be great to find some music-loving friends to hang out and go places... starting with the weekend on the farm... or maybe we could just meet for a drink somewhere first J

occasionally here

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 20:26:37 GMT

ok, so I am still in the habit of going there on a relatively daily basis and, as the title suggests, only occasionally here... that would probably not bode well for attracting the soulmate of my dreams via this particular site, but then, as much as that can be one of the preoccupying hungers in my being, I don't think I created this site all those years ago with the intent purpose of attracting the soulmate of my dreams...

but I have been attracted back here to my first public community journal (as opposed to my first online journal which was kept in the obscurity of my own website for a few years before I discovered communities such as these) in recent days by a very beautiful smile (and leave it to me to start out so superficially when the depth is so much more fun from this distance, but then, self-sabotage is one of the fail-safes in the maze, for the very few who catch that long forgotten reference... still reading, G?... at least I can still claim the dubious honor of never having been accused of being normal, or something like that)...

I know, get some new material... some things do not change, however, for they are what they are and if they changed they would not be what they were and if they were quite practically perfect in every way the way they were, who in their right minds would make any effort to change them from what they were?... of course allowing change is very different from seeking change and change is allowed because it is what life, the universe, and everything is all about, so it may happen, but it's not actively sought for some things for some things are what they are and loved unconditionally and deeply and passionately just that way... that they are...

anyway, once here, I go wandering around and lo and behold, here's an entry... I am still alive (and have not been pulled into the land of the mostly dead, either in spirit or flesh recently... on the other hand, I have not been pulled into the gym recently either, which is a shame because without regular workouts this body gets flabby and old and it's much less fun to live this life in a flabby old body than it is to live it in a shiney-new fit and trim body because the former is an energy drain while the latter is an energy producing machine (not to mention magnet), so feel free to mock my flab and encourage me to find my way back to the gym (better yet, come over, grab me by the chins (or anywhere else you think might really get my attention) and pull me with you to the gym and challenge me to out-do you on the machines... or running some miles, for that matter, if you prefer the outdoors...

I'll leave the door open...

you could call 407-325-1482 to see if I'm home...

yeah, I know, caution... warning... danger, danger will robinson... well, danger will also be a great excuse for not doing a lot of things... if all the hairs on the back of your neck went crazy reaching for the sky then you probably won't call anyway... but if you are alive in the moment and not letting fear be your primary guide or de-motivator, then you've got the ball and hopefully you'll come out to play...

it is a fine Saturday afternoon... the sun is shining and I just woke and showered and feel squeaky clean and fresh and happy... I even passed on the cold pizza that's so often sitting on the kitchen table (or counter, or chair, or somewhere) around here... John Mayer, Dave Mathews, Lenny Kravitz, Moonspell, and The Waifs are in the CD stack at the moment... this is a stack of some stuff I've not heard and some old friends I've not heard in years (like the next one after the list here and the last one in the stack) and I am happy to say that music has been playing in my ears much more this year than in the previous couple of years... this is a definite sign of life for me, ya know (well, some know)...

I am going out to enjoy the day for a while (should be another beautiful sunset that I will hopefully enjoy intensely, even as I dream of having someone next to me enjoying it with me)... so remember, if you happen to be outside and enjoying the sunset wherever you are, then you're not as alone as you might feel...

how did I get here?

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 17:28:49 GMT

let's see... I stumbled in from work on this second and a half day of my fast (Rasputin mentioned going to the beach this weekend and while I'm still not sure I am going, suddenly fasting sounded like a good idea... but I really don't think that song is about me, no I don't no I don't) and feeling a fresh spell of fuzzy-headed-ness (it's almost time for sleep), I looked at my diary and realized the blogroll was not formatted as I'd like it (centered... anyone know how to get it centered?) and so I visited the site and tried to find a way to get the thing centered and didn't so I clicked on recently updated and found this, but I don't think that's how I got here (but I did take some tests that told me I was 30% normal and some sort of zorasta, along that other path... wait, that is how I got here)...

it was those tests that I took here, no wait, that's not the one (that was a stress test and I was surprised to score 142 cuz I seem to be more stressed than that, but they didn't have constant banging on walls for seven months after four life- shaking hurricanes and roommates who test the patience and tolerance of communal living on their list... or loneliness or server crashes or other things, for that matter), it was the normal test that lead me to click on this that asked me to log in to LJ so I could add their journal to my friends list and so I did and that lead me to my friends page to find the gump first and I left a comment that lead me to leave another comment in one of his commenter's journals (and some odd muse brought me a bit of a rhyme to the comment... what?... you wanna see?) and then, here we are...

that's how I got here... how about you?

for anyone interested...

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 21:52:05 GMT

and while ego hopes for a gazillion semi-obsessed fans, my heart hopes for a few sincere friends who care about the goings on in this life I loosely call mine... I don't really take ego seriously... and with DLand still down for the most part, I've come to re-evaluate the time I spend on the web and the investment of self I put out here in cyberspace... while life offline is missing a key ingredient or few (the soulmate person, for starters), I keep my dreams alive and my hopes flowing by writing them out on web pages... the hopelessly hopeful romantic imagines the one (that's the soulmate person, ya know the song?) stumbles across my ramblings and falls madly in love forever and ever and ever and happily ever after and so on...

and while I'm awaiting that magic moment, I ramble on here and there and elsewhere amidst the distractions and challenges and boredom and fun and excitement of daily life with the hope that a few of you care enough to hang out there while I'm gone and smile when I return...

whether I am returning here to this specific web space or not still remains to be seen, but it's an idea that's not been an idea for a while now, so that's better than it's been if you know what I mean...

I do write every day, I just don't always upload every day... so what have I to say about today?... challenges dared my tolerance and patience to run out for a while as something suddenly played games with the desktop computer (where I have a DSL line and can do more web stuff than on this laptop which is ancient and has a 56K dial-up modem), but the laptop is the writing tool of choice cuz it's most convenient, comfortable, and private (and it's habit too) so I adjust to the slow connection by restricting what I do on the laptop to writing and uploading small stuff like pages to my sites...

anyway, the desktop seems to have choked on something downloaded from Microsoft (a Windows Critical Update, no less) and would not function being booting up for a couple of hours... it could have been a virus Rasputin downloaded as he used the desktop to check his mail a few times this weekend and he seems to visit places and get emails from places that offer spyware and viruses as an added bonus... rebooting repeatedly and trying all sorts of tricks between reboots did not help until the tenth time or so when by whatever magic goes on under the hood, it started working again... maybe it's a fluke and won't work the next time it reboots, but I am taking the opportunity to copy everything I can on to CDs so I can minimize the frustration if the desktop ultimately dies...

just before the crash, we (that would be my roommate, Rasputin, and I) successfully played out a fantasy baseball draft on our respective computers (actually, he used his daughters new computer cuz his is awaiting some work when I have more time cuz he opened a virus and it killed the poor thing but good, which meant he had to wake her {that would be Precious} and her guest {an exchange student from Germany who we'll call Heidi} early and they had to listen to us shouting from room to room... boys will be boys, huh...

they went out somewhere and I'm here glancing at the NCAA playoffs while the desktop copies MP3 files to CDs and that's the life in this space so far today... for more excitement, keep browsing...

by default

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 11:22:54 GMT

if words could hug a thank you that would radiate love through the universe and embrace your heart as all the peace and comfort and appreciation ever known, that's what I'd write here tonight...

if I understood the concept, I imagine I should be shameful... I wonder how many people could understand that... I wonder how many people could say it and mean it...

yes, I am here by default... no offense intended, for I have lots of love for the LJ communities and definitely appreciate you few who come here to read the sparse words I plant in this garden... I still ramble excessively in my DLand diary every day, almost, and twice on some days, or more... so that's where to find the blood, guts, sweat, and tears... the damage done, or the hope that remains... more currently, at least...

the default is that DLand is down and has been for almost twelve hours and may be for another twelve hours... this particular web-writing addict (that'd be me) nodded off after working a 15 hour shift and now awakes needing a fix... yes, sharing words online (or the illusion of sharing that comes from uploading words online) is a drug and I am hooked... I mean that quite literally, but we don't have to go into the neuroscience behind the concept just now... better (for me, at least, I think) to dump the random thoughts that are cluttering my groggy but craving brain...

if you visit my website by backdoor (the more personal entrance if you want to know me) or however, the addresses there are often bouncing due to SPAM... the Dland addresses are the best way to reach me, though as you can see if you look at the last entry here (which would be this one, even if I found time and inspiration to fill in some dates between then and now, this now being the date at the top of this entry, even though the now for you reading is most likely different... time does that, the little dickens), comments might wait a while for me to find a reply in my brain... my other LJ might have clues as to why if you dig long enough...

as you see it is coming up on that magical 4AM time when a certain song lyric plays in my brain with the consistency of moldy bread (I can be kind of flaky in what is colloquially called the wee hours of the morning) as memories slowly fall apart (time does that too, the dervish)... music plays in my ears but I am not really listening... a young girl I've not yet met sleeps in one of the bedrooms here, an exchange student from a country in Europe who coughed a few times before I put the headphones on my ears and has me listening for more distressing sounds just in case some dire need arises that compels me to rush into her bedroom to save her (I semi-jest in semi-perverse, but truly harmless laughter as it is much more the maternal {or paternal, to be more gender-precise, though I feel the pure nurturing instinct has no gender deep down} instinct that has the headphones way back on my head so that the music is way in the background and the ears can pick up any spacial noises that might occur)... I am really not hoping that she sleeps in the nude and has a nightmare that drives her frantic from her bed and into my arms for comfort, really I'm not...

ahrem (throat clearing noises)...

didjya miss me?

if you are not giggling (or in some form of amusement, then you may be in the wrong place... I do not provide much therapy at this hour of the morning on my nights off as that is my professional life and it's wise to take some weekly time off from the sort of work life that drives nails into your psyche and demands instant answers to inscrutable questions (not to mention a couple of dozen desperately needy and somewhat disturbed teenage girls all begging for immediate attention and resolution to their problems right now because it's the end of the world and we should all understand that each of them are the only one that matters... working in a psychiatric hospital is very rewarding in some aesthetic and intangible ways, but definitely taxing in most other ways, but if you are nude and really in need, I might make an exception)... yes, I am still quite incorrigible and rather lonely...

whether I am pathetic or not is for you to judge, but before you judge anything (or especially anyone), remember that we do not see things as they are as much as we see things as we are...

so what else is new?...

here we are, in the midst of what may become quite a brain-dump, and many of my readers over at my current primary daily life writing space may never know... for them, I'll just have disappeared for a few days as I often do only to return with just the right amount of entries (or a few extra) to fill the days gone by to the diary looks like it's been updated every day just cuz I tend to write that much... what is worth reading, well, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, worth is as well... what's in your mind tonight?...

life here muddles along... I work too much, but love every other minute of it because there is not much else to do that inspires the emotional charging and draining that I am alive to experience... I'm just a lonely boy, in case you haven't noticed or don't know the song reference... wake me up inside comes to mind, but then, much of me is wide awake and dreaming (or sleepwriting and it is just a tiny (but vital) part of me calling out with that sort of dire plea and there may be no one (or a very very few) people who could truly answer it for me (because I am such a peculiar and obvious child, or perhaps just an innocent man)...

we moved into another apartment after living in a hurricane damaged apartment for four months (at a reduced rent, so it was cool, especially since the damage was behind the walls structural and not anything that bugged us... though the daily hammering and sawing and work on the surrounding apartments was a pain especially cuz we work nights)... the bad news is that the supposedly newly refurbished apartment is worse than the old supposedly hurricane damaged apartment and all our complaints fall on deaf ears... you can read more about it here...

perhaps this is just the continued turmoil that started at birth or maybe it's the extended trauma that started in Toronto, but logic would suggest that it is just another bump on the roller coaster ride that is life and connecting everything the way i do gives a whole lot more credit to the people involved than they deserve...

or something like that...

that may have been a nip at an old scab... my humor may bite at times, but it's intended to wake me up (inside and out) and keep the pipes from getting too clogged... some people get my jokes, some people don't... and some understand where the joke and the bite might meet... most people just pose, or suppose, and leave it at that... maybe someday I'll meet the one who truly does understand it all...

with the visit of the exchange student, this place almost got cleaned... at least it's less cluttered and the kitchen counters got wiped down in some last minute very rushed and careless tidying up... one roommate seems oblivious to dirt, smells, sticky stuff, cleaning or clutter... the other is almost oblivious to it, or at least acts like it most of the time... he used to blame the mess in his previous house on his other roommates, but it's obvious his own habits are not clean and his daughter is worse, but I love them as family loves family and they desperately need a maid and other assistance... anyone wishing to apply for the position can contact me about it...

I have been away so long I barely recall what I wrote... I think (instinctive memory) that here in this journal the past and present come together, sometimes in collision and sometimes in rhyming lyrical dances... the current CD Stack reflects this well (actually, this one was current at the time of this entry)... yes, music is slowly returning...

and memory calls for more

some of the links in this entry may not be available tonight because the DLand servers are down... they are part of the story this entry is trying to tell, so come back and click again if you want to explore more of the story...

what story?...

so much is told between the lines... and between the entries... I should probably come back here and put at least a few words into this journal every day... or night... lack of time is the primary reason I don't, but it's also lack of computer speed and memory (yeah still... unfortunately for me and any future hopes for a life of decadent leisure at retirement, I have not been able to save a penny since moving in with Rasputin and Precious... yes, I love them, but they eat out too often for my budget {and there always seems to be a need I pay for that I don't ask for back... but then, it gives me more of the feeling that we're family and maybe I am just lonely and pathetic enough to justify buying family somewhere in my addled brain... or maybe I'm just too generous for my own good}... anyway, still no new grown-up computer... so opening too many sites and windows is a recipe for lock up and crash...

and I've just gotten in the habit of staying over there and browsing there and kinda seem addicted to the notes and most of all, it's just habit and I like the individual page format better than the many entries on a page in reverse chronological order blog style format which was the original reason to slide over there way back when I did...

this journal began in 2000 I think... it went dormant for more than a year after one or a few entries and then woke and was actively sucking my blood (in a good way) for a while, getting me to dig into the psyche and history that makes me who I am, but it seems the same (dormancy) has happened in this past year plus... mostly I spend this life moving from moment to moment through the daily routine of survival and always, underneath it all, searching for the soulmate of my dreams (the one with the right soulprint, as one of my favoritest favorite inspirations would say)...

sometimes I think most humans are such confused children...

but personal history has demonstrated consistently that any negative or glass-half-empty perspective is instantly turned around the moment I fall in love (and even more better when I fall in love with someone who falls in love with me)... and even if, as cursory and experiential evidence seems to be bearing out, people lose their romantic dreams (or the desire to believe in and act upon them) as the years pass, I will remain stubbornly open to the possibility that the one is right around the corner stumbling through her ecstasy as I stumble through mine...

how's your life today?

I would like the thank, in no particular order, The Carpenters, Harry Chapin, Elton John, Bernie Taupin, Paul Anka, Evanescence, Paul Simon, Sarah McLaghlan, Pink, Jackson Browne, John Denver, The Beatles, Melissa Etheridge, and Billy Joel for their contributions to this entry... and you, for staying awake long enough to read it... may your time here feel worthwhile if just for a brief smile and may you go on with your life to find more pleasures than pains, more laughter than tears, and more fulfillment than hungers...

see ya around J