candor (candor) wrote,
candor
candor

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vacancy

if there was more time, I would write here more often... I suppose I could (and maybe should, for those of you who care and do not have time to follow me around elsewhere) at least share what I write daily elsewhere but cutting and pasting it here, at least when there is not enough time to write a separate entry here (which is about every day)... I do write a couple of entries elsewhere every day... at least two a day, consistently, often more...

tonight I sit here listening to a new Say Anything CD and ponder life and how I live it, knowing I am copping out and sliding into lazy flabby old age much faster in recent months cuz I've been indulging my taste buds and eating emotionally cuz I'm lonely and lack other stimulations... food is always available (and I know how lucky I am) and makes for a wonderful solitary party for me...

a few days ago I started writing an entry meant for here but it ended up over in my daily life blog... I was listening to After Forever and remembering how much I enjoy her voice and the majestic sound... I found an mp3 player on a myspace profile that actually plays (so far, at least) on my ancient machine... it's kind of amazing whenever songs play on this old machine...

I spend a lot of my online time wandering around myspace lately... I don't know if it's the biggest profile community on the web, but it's definitely large... I post a blog there now and then and have attracted a small blog audience (and a whole lot of people, real and imaginary, on my 'friends' list)... as I do wherever (oh ever) I wander (thank you mike Scott and the Waterboys), I search for a rose (metaphor)... I love the idea of a seemingly endless world (albeit cyber) of music and art and words and different people... if I was more concrete and/or ambitious, I'd have created a site like myspace a long time ago... that's why I enjoyed the UseNet back in the nineties and my email groups were heading in that direction, but I lost interest due to lack of time and fundage at the time...

if I ever get my stuff out of storage I'll send you all a copy of Paper Fantasies... it's a small pen-pal magazine I published a while back (in the days of snail mail)...

and my addiction to rambling on in written words has not abated in spite of my having less time to indulge my inner babbler... the babbler remains home at behind the candoor where a ramble a day continues to pop out (though sometimes it's a week or few between the sudden flood of many entries)...

maybe I say a lot more about myself there or somewhere else, or maybe not... I am not very narcissistic at heart, in spite of what my playful ego would have us believe... writing about myself happens when I find someone interested in me, when I am asked specific questions about myself, but when I am just rambling to myself or anyone who cares to read, I don't think I am as self-focused as I pretend to be at times when I am teasing myself (and you) about how wonderful it is to be me... not that it's not wonderful to be me, for me, at least... but I do not really know if anybody else would want to be me... I am special in my eyes, but I don't think an autobiography would sell...

of course I've been wrong about a lot of things in this life...

maybe it's a way of avoiding rejection... if I wait to be asked, I am not asking anyone to listen or read or want to know me (but I express my wish to share often, so maybe I am as much a dichotomy as I feel at times)... and then again, it could be that I am too self-sufficient... as much as I want to (and believe I still can because I have before and feel pretty well healed) share everything in an intimate partnership, I rarely feel needy about it and usually can be quite happy partying all by myself as I believe that alone is the natural state of the human (and I accept and somehow remain comfortable with that even as loneliness can feel like drowning some times)...

my lack of neediness may keep me alone, especially as years pass, because my comfortable acceptance of aloneness seems to keep people who feel neediness away (and that's just about everybody I've ever met)... it's as if people are most comfortable with others who share their specific degree of security and those with less security are uncomfortable being intimate with those with more security and those with more security are uncomfortable with the insecurity of those with less security... or something like that...

I hope you are finding your comfort and satisfaction in whatever you choose to do with your time and if you too are searching for something or someone, I hope you find it or her or him soon... and if you leave a few words here for me to find when I next come back, thank you for taking a moment to share the journey...

so here we are again... I suppose I've returned here to wish you Happy Holidays and another Happy New Year... I hope this past year was better than previous years and even more, I hope next year is your best year yet... may you find peace and joy in all you do and may you find someone who shares it with you...

and I continue to toss my words out on the cyber seas in posts that are akin to messages in bottles and I continue to hope someone who relates to me and my words will respond... and maybe, among the fellow travelers out here, someone who shares the same (or at least close enough to be intimately compatible) comfort and security and perspective on life and everything will come along... the internet gives me one more public way of keeping my doors open... and keeping the 'vacancy' sign out in public...

and whether I'm right... or whether I'm wrong... I'm me J
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