candor (candor) wrote,
candor
candor

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wondering if I am still here

and how shall I (or we, if you have any ideas on sharing the responsibility with me) answer or define it, this being here concept... is it mostly my perception or is it tangible sharing that proves my existence in this space, in this place, this journal of candor... I flaunt my name as if it is a badge of honor I earned instead of just some word chosen out of the dictionary... and I ponder the definition of here...

once upon a time I had friends here who commented and connected in more meaningful ways... from these pages I received Illusions when I was most detached (in mind and the physical world) from material possessions... and then homemade cookies for the holidays... it's a blessing to meet someone that sensitive and generous with their time and things...

I see, in my absence, I have been pruned from the friends lists by some of people... understandable in most ways as some, perhaps many people wish to list only active journals on their friends lists... I say most ways because would I be any less worth friending or reading if I had died and left the pages on the web?... consider it a query in cyber-philosophy for future pondering if you like...

anyway, glancing at my friends page here at LJ, I see the most prolifica (for the moment) and
highly attractive agent obscura is still alive and uploading entries here... I remember feeling a kinship with her, literary, but much more, like a sister I lost somewhere along the way, and I hope you find time to visit her as she is much more than a pretty face... she is a delight to read, an optimistic cynic, and most wonderfully, she is a hugger...

I wonder if I ever told her I love her...

ah, the missed opportunities we miss in synthetic world we call cyberspace, or more specifically (and recently), the blogosphere... but then, there's is always time, as long as we are still breathing, to say what we want to say... and once I find time to move back to a commenting level of interaction here at LJ (if such time is to be found, what with my current addiction to surfing and chatting at blogmad {yes, I said chatting... in RealTime™ no less... can anonanonanon be waking?... I mean, re-drawn with an alarm clock ringing or something?... oh, if there was only time and someone who remembered}... so many communities, so little time)...

of course I could go elite (and aloof) and just use my own domain (since I've had it for years and it's paid for through 2013 if the world and I last that long... well, I suppose it's paid for even if we don't), but then, so many people do not leave the comfort and habits of their respective communities and I do want to keep in touch, even when I don't do it well... you know you should all join blogmad so we can catch up or reconnect or meet... or just for the new readers it will bring you...

but I was pondering my existence in some odd way before I interrupted myself with mostly egocentric philosophy and blatant self-promotion (have I mentioned that this is where I do most of my babbling these days yet?) and considering that those once on (and especially those still on) my friends page might have some play in (or something to say about) that answer...

suede jesus is one who maintains (at least he used to) a flow of words both here and at DLand and and so did gump, both characters I admire from afar and would like to find more time to read...

and I definitely remember lis for she introduced me to Rilo Kiley, Death Cab for Cutie and lots of other music I've come to love (any wonder why I crushed on her?)... she has so much life in her life she helps me remember when I did, I mean, before I retired to the night shift and the internet... she'd never let me get away with the crap I tell myself these days, which makes her all the more valuable a person to meet one day, if only for the effective kick in the head she'd give me... did I mention I love her sense of the absurd, and humor too?... and I do believe a Happy Birthday is right around this time of year, any day now, so

Happy Birthday Lisa-Marie J

a few I have not had much, if any interaction with, but who intrigued me from the comfort of my big green chair back when I was much more certain that I was here because I was actually writing and interacting here much more regularly include lindsey who knows she is because she blogs (which is a deep understanding some of us can relate to better than others out here in the wired world) and ... and then there's that smile...

all those who've updated recently can be found on my friends page and others who have not updated in the past week or so can be found in my profile and they are worth your time (even if they dropped me from their friends lists during my extended disappearance from this community)...

I suppose I could go leave them all comments telling them I've linked them and I'm back, but then, I'm not actually sure I'm back (notice the title and underlying theme of this entry?) and I'm not pandering for their attention (what?... me not beg for attention?... wow, this is another space and another side of me, huh?)...

so am I here?... well, I am a step closer with this entry if I am not... but then, existence and presence, while two different things, both start in the mind and in my mind I have always been here just as I am always in every one of my writing paths that end in different places on and off the web... so perhaps you didn't notice, perhaps you didn't care, but this is my heart, bleeding before you - wait, that's not the song I came to perform here tonight (besides, it's way paraphrased)... ah, yes, mostly dead just have to raise their blurry heads and open their bleary eyes and let something like a moan come out of their bloddy mouths... shhhh, they rest uneasy enough as it is without poking them...

so many different moods and perspectives, from peaks of euphoria where I am at one with the infiniverse to bottomless pits of despair where I wonder why I continue breathing, but I know that as long as I can laugh at myself, it's not time to go...

so I am here...

you?
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