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my candor could be yours

30th December, 2006. 5:20 am. vacancy

if there was more time, I would write here more often... I suppose I could (and maybe should, for those of you who care and do not have time to follow me around elsewhere) at least share what I write daily elsewhere but cutting and pasting it here, at least when there is not enough time to write a separate entry here (which is about every day)... I do write a couple of entries elsewhere every day... at least two a day, consistently, often more...

tonight I sit here listening to a new Say Anything CD and ponder life and how I live it, knowing I am copping out and sliding into lazy flabby old age much faster in recent months cuz I've been indulging my taste buds and eating emotionally cuz I'm lonely and lack other stimulations... food is always available (and I know how lucky I am) and makes for a wonderful solitary party for me...

a few days ago I started writing an entry meant for here but it ended up over in my daily life blog... I was listening to After Forever and remembering how much I enjoy her voice and the majestic sound... I found an mp3 player on a myspace profile that actually plays (so far, at least) on my ancient machine... it's kind of amazing whenever songs play on this old machine...

I spend a lot of my online time wandering around myspace lately... I don't know if it's the biggest profile community on the web, but it's definitely large... I post a blog there now and then and have attracted a small blog audience (and a whole lot of people, real and imaginary, on my 'friends' list)... as I do wherever (oh ever) I wander (thank you mike Scott and the Waterboys), I search for a rose (metaphor)... I love the idea of a seemingly endless world (albeit cyber) of music and art and words and different people... if I was more concrete and/or ambitious, I'd have created a site like myspace a long time ago... that's why I enjoyed the UseNet back in the nineties and my email groups were heading in that direction, but I lost interest due to lack of time and fundage at the time...

if I ever get my stuff out of storage I'll send you all a copy of Paper Fantasies... it's a small pen-pal magazine I published a while back (in the days of snail mail)...

and my addiction to rambling on in written words has not abated in spite of my having less time to indulge my inner babbler... the babbler remains home at behind the candoor where a ramble a day continues to pop out (though sometimes it's a week or few between the sudden flood of many entries)...

maybe I say a lot more about myself there or somewhere else, or maybe not... I am not very narcissistic at heart, in spite of what my playful ego would have us believe... writing about myself happens when I find someone interested in me, when I am asked specific questions about myself, but when I am just rambling to myself or anyone who cares to read, I don't think I am as self-focused as I pretend to be at times when I am teasing myself (and you) about how wonderful it is to be me... not that it's not wonderful to be me, for me, at least... but I do not really know if anybody else would want to be me... I am special in my eyes, but I don't think an autobiography would sell...

of course I've been wrong about a lot of things in this life...

maybe it's a way of avoiding rejection... if I wait to be asked, I am not asking anyone to listen or read or want to know me (but I express my wish to share often, so maybe I am as much a dichotomy as I feel at times)... and then again, it could be that I am too self-sufficient... as much as I want to (and believe I still can because I have before and feel pretty well healed) share everything in an intimate partnership, I rarely feel needy about it and usually can be quite happy partying all by myself as I believe that alone is the natural state of the human (and I accept and somehow remain comfortable with that even as loneliness can feel like drowning some times)...

my lack of neediness may keep me alone, especially as years pass, because my comfortable acceptance of aloneness seems to keep people who feel neediness away (and that's just about everybody I've ever met)... it's as if people are most comfortable with others who share their specific degree of security and those with less security are uncomfortable being intimate with those with more security and those with more security are uncomfortable with the insecurity of those with less security... or something like that...

I hope you are finding your comfort and satisfaction in whatever you choose to do with your time and if you too are searching for something or someone, I hope you find it or her or him soon... and if you leave a few words here for me to find when I next come back, thank you for taking a moment to share the journey...

so here we are again... I suppose I've returned here to wish you Happy Holidays and another Happy New Year... I hope this past year was better than previous years and even more, I hope next year is your best year yet... may you find peace and joy in all you do and may you find someone who shares it with you...

and I continue to toss my words out on the cyber seas in posts that are akin to messages in bottles and I continue to hope someone who relates to me and my words will respond... and maybe, among the fellow travelers out here, someone who shares the same (or at least close enough to be intimately compatible) comfort and security and perspective on life and everything will come along... the internet gives me one more public way of keeping my doors open... and keeping the 'vacancy' sign out in public...

and whether I'm right... or whether I'm wrong... I'm me J

Read 4 Notes -Make Notes

20th December, 2006. 3:51 am. the relativity of time

is never more apparent to me than here... for this was the first place I came as I drifted from the womb I created in a vain attempt to believe in a mother who turned out to be a fucker in the most painful sense of the word and to reach out to the world from a position of rebirth yet, for all the time that passed away from the womb and between now and the beginning of this first step into the world of public community site writing, this is where I've been scattered most of all...

in the past six months I've been returning to the concert floor averaging at least a concert a week, though that's slowed considerably this month (perhaps that is why I am away so late on a work night, late because now I work days after years of working nights... perhaps is it excess energy and increasing hunger to share, to socialize, to interact with people... to be understood and appreciated and cared for... a boy can dream, aye?)... you can find a list of most of the concerts I've squirmed my way to the front of the stage at over in the real time blog (and if google gets their act together I might keep it there) where I am supposedly trying to keep track of the events of the day offline in brief (yes brief) entries...

also in that time space, I've started blogging over at my myspace blog... somehow I am attracting a few readers there and the my perception of the publicness of the site is influencing my writings in strange and enjoyable ways (for me, at least)... of course there's a voice in the background of my mind singing I'm just a man who's intentions are good, oh lawd, please don't let me be misunderstood and amused by the spectacle I am imagining it might become as real people from my real offline life, people I see daily, people with whom I live and work are fully aware of and connected as myspace friends there... it's been mentioned in passing, but nothing specific and nobody's asked or confronted me about anything yet and hopefully they are enjoying the ramblings and rhymes...

I am still babbling on and on and on (ad infinitum) in life in black and white behind the candoor (which would have been called behind the candor if someone else hadn't beaten me to my own name over at diaryland), though I am uploading in sudden spurts which completely befuddle virtually my whole audience there (and it was the largest once upon a time when I wasn't so haphazard and, well, befuddling)...

and there are other places (some mentioned previously, some new that I'll probably mention and link somewhere down the line)... one that comes to mind is a tribute to December 1st that inspired me to open a place for it, like there's a place for us, somewhere a place for us and for all who were once in love...

there's also a new local public blog hoping others in Florida will pick up it and will use it... my addiction to writing has not subsided, I just slipped so far out of the habit of coming here I even somehow messed up the password and had to reset it (even though I remembered it correctly... maybe it was the new security layer they put here)...

and just tonight I put yet another local personal online (which is amusingly ridiculous as I rarely get back to my onion blog (see previous entry for a link) , and what with just a few dozen (if that many) member so far (and maybe a half dozen females and yes, though I am not in the least homophobic, I still find my sensual attractions lead me to a narrow set of females, for what it's worth to ya), I don't expect much... I did write a message to one person there... now if I just remember to check before the new year...

and I signed up for a new writer's board (and wrote yet another odd introduction which I'll most likely include in a future behind the candoor babble), though only nine people have gotten there ahead of me, so it's quiet enough to be hunting wabbits over there...

and the new job, to jump offline a moment, that's much fun (who'd have thought data entry would be fun?.. just me)... actually, they call me a clinical data specialist and I do assessments and play other clinical roles, but I've been having much fun creating databases and spreadsheets and queries and forms and reports and flow charts and all sorts of fun for the directors and they've been loving me up with Fish Awards (wow, huh?)... adjusting to the day shift was a breeze, though every now and then I get the urge to stay up all night writing... like tonight)...

I probably left out a lot, but I'll leave some for next time just in case I get back here before the next millennium (probably will)... maybe consolidating my babblings and rhymes in one personal domain would be the best idea all around, but so far that
s not in the works... and until it is, I'll come wandering back here now and then, like a long lost friend, singing sure is good to see you once again...

hope you are loving life as much as you can and life is loving you even more...

nite nite :)

Read 3 Notes -Make Notes

8th July, 2006. 1:35 am.

I've become so random, that is... that once a week entry thing didn't quite work out I see... for anyone seeking a taste of what I actually do offline in daily life, I've been keeping up almost daily updates, sorta brief even, in the RealTime™ blog (like I needed to start another... but I did so I did and I do use it even if nobody knows about it cuz it new)...

and there's still words happening behind the candoor, the diary I started that drew me away from here several years ago because this was to be a more serious, even mature (me?) or sophisticated or structured or something place and that was to be the free-flow babble place (which it did pretty much become), though the words have slowed there because writing time has been much limited in the last couple of months...

but this place... whether it was to be the shining light of me, autobiographical and seriously together reflections of the person I am or something else, has slept for some time... mostly... maybe that's because I am so far from the person I am (and the tears don't fall the way they used to... and the dreams seem to float high above... and the story of a life doesn't move much anymore when there is nothing but the same things to do every day... and nobody to love... oh, yeah)... I was supposed to face up to being mostly dead and get over it and wake me up inside, remember?...

hmmmm, life is a curious ride (and still a curious smile)...

anyway, for whatever unapparent reason (if there is always a reason after all), I wandered over here (ah, impulse brought me to add a new friend who just started a new journal here after impulse brought me to look past my own blank pages for the first time in weeks cuz maybe I had a little extra time tonight for the first time in weeks) and found myself creating this:


COMBAT CARDS 2.0
watch candor fight
view children
view parent
CREATE YOUR CARD


even though I can't even use it at the moment... numbers games have always grabbed me in my most random moments, after all... and so since I had this card thing to put out here I suppose the words just had to flow around it... and life?... life is so monotonous it is random... or is that so random that it is monotonous?... one or the other, perhaps both, but not neither... I think...

one of these days I'll stop thinking and tell you what I know again... just as soon as I tell me... then maybe I'll stop playing wizard behind the candoor and come out to be me again without any babbling frills or performance art... of course I do love the babble and the art, but that does obscure the enigma I might be if I was me, doesn't it?...

how would you know? (oh, tongue in cheek and tongue sticking out... not to mention the mischievous giggle... I am such a random child even if I am the only one who actually gets it all... peel the onion if you dare and tell the good folk {and credit thieves} at blogmad I've not gotten lost, but just random, for the moment at least... and if you are remotely amused, well, I hope you get closer someday)...

cheer up sleepy Jean... or is that Gene?... oh, stop judging and just join the party... so what if the bodies in orbit don't always turn you on, you don't have to come every time or even rub up against them (and you can ask them not to rub up against you if they invade your space and you don't want them to)... waiting for the right one to come along does not mean you must always be alone... well, not in every way... and Amy, anytime, ok?...

that goes for most of you who've been there before, though granted, not quite all... if only for self-preservation, you see (or if you don't see, don't worry, be happy, even if you don't ask for clarification and sit puzzled with furrowed brow and rack of brain... take heart in the fact that you can still blow your nose (if you can)...

isn't it rich?...

and if only to prove the veracity of the title, this entry was cut short (and off) just now be that uniquely Microsoft malady sometimes called death by browser as every window of the intrepid Internet Explorer just shut down for no apparent reason (I know, my fingers hit the alt f followed by the alt c keys quite randomly because I must have been typing something that somehow got me there, right)... anyway, say goodbye to all the open windows including the friends, wherever I was on that page, and all the links it lead to...

besides ender, I mean...

here are three of them that I recall finding interesting enough to want to save and add to my lists of links somewhere... in case you were keeping score and wanted partial data to skew the results, I mean... yeah... and Toronto too... and don't forget the audiophiles... y'old goat... remotely, remember?...

so anyway, I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time when I get home from working extra hours each week so I'm gonna go nod off in bed now instead of here in the chair... maybe you got something out of this entry and maybe it's nothing to you, but either way it's here, proof that I was, and sending a whole lotta love right to you... yes you, believe it, it'll feel better that way... it's been fun for me, at least... this writing... this life... this writing life... and everything too... well, almost everything... anyway...

nite...

Make Notes

23rd June, 2006. 8:48 am. it's so weird

I have about one loyal commenter, a far away friend who reminds me that it is possible to connect through words and maintain the feeling of caring, the bond of friendship through words at a distance, at every one of my diaries, journals, and blogs... a different loyal commenter at each, in fact... I probably have a few more loyal readers (hello out there) at each, different readers at each, but it is so weird cuz I don't have time to update daily anywhere these days and yet I am trying to cuz of about one person's feedback at each place...

is that pathetic or amusing?...

I'll be amused :)

Make Notes

19th June, 2006. 6:39 pm. yeah, well...

I have been busy alternating between working myself to death and vegetating offline and just today I uploaded more entries than I have in the past few weeks I think, so here I am with one more gasp as I fall over...

I work a double shift every Monday (starting Sunday night) these days and most of the time I am actually working at work (as opposed to letting the writer ramble on for all the voices in my head to vie over as I was doing for a while) and then there's my younger roommate who's on summer break who's always home who's distracting me with music (next Sunday, before a double shift, we'll be going to Warped Tour, all-day)...

but today I uploaded eight different entries (from philo-spiritual ponderings to romance to pathos to written in a marathon last night at work and thought about how I've neglected my original public journal right here), which brings me to upload these words (must work in 3 hours, must sleep)... bless us all, every one...

hey, what do you expect on one half brain cell power?...

RealTime™ (with links to all of today's uploadeds) and life here now

Read 1 Note -Make Notes

8th June, 2006. 7:55 pm. one a week?

will that satisfy me?... updating once a week, I mean... I doubt it... but that's almost what I've been doing in my diary that has become the primary babbling spot for me in recent times... I have updated a bit more in the new RealTime blog that is intended to be brief updates of real life offline for those who care and are in touch offline... and here, I am still not self-connected enough to be in touch with the part of me that started this journal all those years ago...

too much work and non-life stuff influencing me of late... no active activities, no exercise, no romance or passion, just a lot of daily life and taking care of others...

heck, I don't even have time to throw a pity party (though I don't think I want one, but I found the thought amusing)... summertime with a kid out of school at home makes for few self-moments... and at work I've actually been working on projects instead of writing, so...

the words pile up and sooner or later they will explode out of the finite space between my ears... hopefully they will make a little sense when they do :)

and I hope your life is fun, even if it's too busy for writing and keeping in touch... enjoy every moment as much as you can cuz that's what we're here for...

Make Notes

28th May, 2006. 7:27 am. sorta starting over. slowly

there are so many different places to write online and I've but scratched the surface of a few… I still haven't found the conversation I've lacked (but then, I doubt that can be found online unless it moves offline and into eye contact very quickly)… still, I put words out there in the hope that someone nearby (or someone who wants to be nearby) might connect… maybe I ought to network all the active writing spaces better somewhere…

like on a new blog on my own domain, maybe?…

oh sure, as if anybody is following along with all the various places I write now… then again, there just may be a few of you and that tickles me deeply (wishing I could show you more appreciation)… and then again, again, I have a couple or few new ideas for blogging that I am bound to try out any day now simply because that's what I do, try out new ideas and diversify my portfolio as much as possible while still leaving enough content in each place to be representative of me or some aspect of me…

who gets that? (I mean the reasons and all?)…

meanwhile, I don't come here as nearly often as I used to and this may be the dead zone as far as my connections go… more than half of my LJ friends have dropped me from their friends lists due to my lack of posting (cuz they wouldn't just drop me cuz of who I am, right?) and this is where I get the fewest comments overall these days (considering I have two semi-active journals here)…

I've even forgotten what the tone of this particular journal was meant to be other than a general journal (most of my writing places have a tone or specific facet of my personality or experience to focus upon, but then, you know that if you've read here before)…

am I starting over?…

sort of, I suppose… I do see a few of you still around and noticing me and seriously, yay for you… I suppose the simple fact of the matter is that I don't have much of a life to write about and this journal was basically an introduction to me and life as I know it… life is going to work, coming home, and not much else… and the sub-routines within the daily work-home routine are fairly stable, which is odd for me unless I have a partnership (relationship) and I suppose I have slipped into my roommates lifestyle to substitute for the companionship of an intimate and they have rather sedentary uneventful lives too…

how boring I've become, aye?…

well, I'll see if I can dress it up a bit (but then, that's not what this journal is about… I have other places where I play dress up, after all)… yeah, well, anyway, thanks for sticking around if you've stuck around and maybe there'll be something to read and comment upon in the next installment of same old, same old here in this candor could be yours…

I sincerely hope your candor is more exciting J

Read 4 Notes -Make Notes

17th May, 2006. 4:07 pm. John Cusack, eat your heart out

the anonymous comment can be so amusing when it is a parody of itself (would it be a pity if the commenter doesn't know it though?... that is the existential question of the day)... in the meantime, I thank you fine folk who travel the VARB (and this place doesn't even have a link or anything) to rate this candor well for spreading your joy and positivity... you make this world a better place...

if you don't know what I am talking about, then never mind (or just ask and I'll attempt an explanation if I can remember myself)... yes, it's true, I love it when a comment sums up everything in a few words... and I love it even more when I do it for myself, so be it a fine madness or a well balanced perspective, it's a delight to be amongst you when I am here...

such an ego, oy...

I shall confess... I purchased my first magazine in years today... it was pure impulse shopping and totally wish-driven... lust played a strong-bold role, as did the ever-present and all-powerful romantic foolishness of the hopelessly hopeful believer in fairy tales who lives inside my heart... yes, it was the May 2006 copy of Allure with Libbo's #1 visual fantasy on the cover (oh, I hear you laughing, but do you hear me laughing even cuterer?)...

did you know that 26% of women reported getting sunburned last summer?... yes, but what readers really want to know is how many of them had no tan lines!?... I am obviously in the wrong place... this is the babbling fool who goes by some other name reporting to you from this journal, obviously a case of mistaken identity... after all, this is supposed to be more of my serious side... just look back at the previous few years of profoundly touching and intimate entries... whatever became of me?...

allure... I give you page 172 and ask the obvious question, "wouldn't you like to be a headrest too?... yes, superficiality right here in the depths of the journal candor... can it be that I've been away too long?... is this a guest post by me evil twin sister posting as my twin brother who is caught up in the most hysterical identity crisis of the century?...

it's a young century, but still, the millennium is over for those who have died already... I just don't feel like making it make any sense to anyone today, so be whatever it'll be, it's amusing me... and as I said somewhere else at some other time, thought recently, I a existential, so sue me...

hey, it was funny at the time... could have been the drugs... or the company... everything is funnier in the right company... but personally, I don't recall a time when I was quite so frivolous here in this here journal, ya falla?... it must be those eyes... those lips... the freaking fantastic air-brushing... I think everyone should have professionally air-brushed pictures to put on the internet... then we could all fantasize about each other and never have to deal with reality again...

apparently I may have been left alone too lone in the sun and spoiled myself... or soiled myself, it's not always easy to tell when all you want to do is kiss a goll darn magazine cover... pathetic, perhaps, but you are missing out on something grand in this life if you don't have these sort of sordid fantasies from time to time...

and live to tell about it...

meanwhile, I returned from work quite recently and found fourteen hours had passed, so I stopped at the local Chinese buffet to chow down on some chow mein and shrimp when all of a sudden I got the great idea to stop at the local SuperSaver next door for some of Dove's Unconditional Chocolate ice cream which is my lastest oral fling and upon standing in the check out line who should I bump into if not Meg Ryan...

well flibber my gibbits...

so some hours later I rushed home to tell you all about it and that's all I'm gonna tell because, after all, the tabloids have to do some work on their own... and anyone even thinking of telling me to get serious ought to have their head examined because serious could not even begin to compare with the euphoria I am feeling right now...

bliss out, my homeys...

homina homina, even... yes, so this is the candorama man (or the candoramen noodly appendage) telling you to take heed when the great bowl of spaghetti in the sky rises once again to ascend to meatball heaven... no offend to the other spaghetti monster or even Christians, there's room in my melting pot for every sort of postulator and drool, be the friend, fanatic, faker or fool... surely you can groove on a little good gruel (and please don't call me shirley because I am so not your tool)...

no, I am Meg Ryan's tool... and in this Special Issue we can get a better body and be thinner, tighter, leaner in 6 weeks flat... and personally (and this is just personal preference, mind you, not any sort of personal slight of hand to the breastplate), I would much perfer a flat chested beauty to a fat chested bimbo, any day... and just wait till you see my hair and makeup preview (somebody wanna come over and do my hair?)...

well I've certainly rambled on here way longer than usual for this pion of decourum and you've been a lovely audience (and I'd like to take you home with me, I'd love to take you home), so it's time to let Groucho get on with the show...

be there or be a cubit...

Make Notes

14th May, 2006. 4:19 am. wondering if I am still here

and how shall I (or we, if you have any ideas on sharing the responsibility with me) answer or define it, this being here concept... is it mostly my perception or is it tangible sharing that proves my existence in this space, in this place, this journal of candor... I flaunt my name as if it is a badge of honor I earned instead of just some word chosen out of the dictionary... and I ponder the definition of here...

once upon a time I had friends here who commented and connected in more meaningful ways... from these pages I received Illusions when I was most detached (in mind and the physical world) from material possessions... and then homemade cookies for the holidays... it's a blessing to meet someone that sensitive and generous with their time and things...

I see, in my absence, I have been pruned from the friends lists by some of people... understandable in most ways as some, perhaps many people wish to list only active journals on their friends lists... I say most ways because would I be any less worth friending or reading if I had died and left the pages on the web?... consider it a query in cyber-philosophy for future pondering if you like...

anyway, glancing at my friends page here at LJ, I see the most prolifica (for the moment) and
highly attractive agent obscura is still alive and uploading entries here... I remember feeling a kinship with her, literary, but much more, like a sister I lost somewhere along the way, and I hope you find time to visit her as she is much more than a pretty face... she is a delight to read, an optimistic cynic, and most wonderfully, she is a hugger...

I wonder if I ever told her I love her...

ah, the missed opportunities we miss in synthetic world we call cyberspace, or more specifically (and recently), the blogosphere... but then, there's is always time, as long as we are still breathing, to say what we want to say... and once I find time to move back to a commenting level of interaction here at LJ (if such time is to be found, what with my current addiction to surfing and chatting at blogmad {yes, I said chatting... in RealTime™ no less... can anonanonanon be waking?... I mean, re-drawn with an alarm clock ringing or something?... oh, if there was only time and someone who remembered}... so many communities, so little time)...

of course I could go elite (and aloof) and just use my own domain (since I've had it for years and it's paid for through 2013 if the world and I last that long... well, I suppose it's paid for even if we don't), but then, so many people do not leave the comfort and habits of their respective communities and I do want to keep in touch, even when I don't do it well... you know you should all join blogmad so we can catch up or reconnect or meet... or just for the new readers it will bring you...

but I was pondering my existence in some odd way before I interrupted myself with mostly egocentric philosophy and blatant self-promotion (have I mentioned that this is where I do most of my babbling these days yet?) and considering that those once on (and especially those still on) my friends page might have some play in (or something to say about) that answer...

suede jesus is one who maintains (at least he used to) a flow of words both here and at DLand and and so did gump, both characters I admire from afar and would like to find more time to read...

and I definitely remember lis for she introduced me to Rilo Kiley, Death Cab for Cutie and lots of other music I've come to love (any wonder why I crushed on her?)... she has so much life in her life she helps me remember when I did, I mean, before I retired to the night shift and the internet... she'd never let me get away with the crap I tell myself these days, which makes her all the more valuable a person to meet one day, if only for the effective kick in the head she'd give me... did I mention I love her sense of the absurd, and humor too?... and I do believe a Happy Birthday is right around this time of year, any day now, so

Happy Birthday Lisa-Marie J

a few I have not had much, if any interaction with, but who intrigued me from the comfort of my big green chair back when I was much more certain that I was here because I was actually writing and interacting here much more regularly include lindsey who knows she is because she blogs (which is a deep understanding some of us can relate to better than others out here in the wired world) and ... and then there's that smile...

all those who've updated recently can be found on my friends page and others who have not updated in the past week or so can be found in my profile and they are worth your time (even if they dropped me from their friends lists during my extended disappearance from this community)...

I suppose I could go leave them all comments telling them I've linked them and I'm back, but then, I'm not actually sure I'm back (notice the title and underlying theme of this entry?) and I'm not pandering for their attention (what?... me not beg for attention?... wow, this is another space and another side of me, huh?)...

so am I here?... well, I am a step closer with this entry if I am not... but then, existence and presence, while two different things, both start in the mind and in my mind I have always been here just as I am always in every one of my writing paths that end in different places on and off the web... so perhaps you didn't notice, perhaps you didn't care, but this is my heart, bleeding before you - wait, that's not the song I came to perform here tonight (besides, it's way paraphrased)... ah, yes, mostly dead just have to raise their blurry heads and open their bleary eyes and let something like a moan come out of their bloddy mouths... shhhh, they rest uneasy enough as it is without poking them...

so many different moods and perspectives, from peaks of euphoria where I am at one with the infiniverse to bottomless pits of despair where I wonder why I continue breathing, but I know that as long as I can laugh at myself, it's not time to go...

so I am here...

you?

Read 7 Notes -Make Notes

7th May, 2006. 2:40 am. seems like forever

and whether I stay home or go out, every day I come home to sleep alone seems longer and longer (it might help if I sleep, but then, why sleep?), though since laments are generally reserved for the lands of the mostly dead where the ever so creative starving artists pines over lost loves and cries large and lonely tears for all the time passing unshared, I won't go a-wandering too far down that long and winding road at the moment...

no, here is for the more real stuff about life and this person I've come to know as me (do the archives do that conceptualization of this journal justice?... who's to be the judges?... anyone who has the time to read I suppose, since it's a public access channel here) and that's usually much happier than the silly self-pity moments that grab me by the neck and threaten to choke the living daylights out of me from time to time...

what?... it never happens to you?... well aren't you the lucky liar (ok, ok, I'll not tease, maybe you have never known a moment of sorrow or despair and perhaps you live a charmed life and it's not just that you are a superficial twit who thinks that TV is real life and emotions are toys to play with and if you truly have found the secrets to nirvana amidst the disaster that humanity is creating daily in this world, then more power too ya bro and may it rub off on the rest of us asap)...

as demonstrated most effectively by the diary where I do most of my writing these days (in case you wondered and didn't already know, which would mean you're new around here since I mention it altogether too often to be considered even remotely cool, but heck, I'm candor spewing candor and that isn't always a pretty site... or cool, even)...

miss me?...

well, you know where to find me, don't you?... recently I've expanded to other community sites too... why just yesterday I finally made a post at my blogger blog, though the service hiccuped so quickly that I am not sure I can trust it, but expansion is good in my world, so something good is happening somewhere and it'll find it's way out eventually somewhere... maybe even here, aye?...

and there's BlogMad...

you must know about blogmad, right?... it's just the best way to get more visitors to your site short of looking like your favorite hottie and posing nude... yes, nude pics of hotties does usually work better than anything else at getting more visitors to a site, but if you're not ready to get undressed and snap your shutter, then BlogMad is the next best thing... you surf other great sites (well, some are great) and for every site you visit, you get another visitor to your site... simple enough... there's more to do on the site like games and a fun community is gathering there (you can even find me in the shout box or in IRC for a chat if you're so inclined... let me know you signed up with my referral and I'll spot you some extra credits... how exciting is that?)...

so besides working way too much and eating out too much and longing for love in all the wrong places, BlogMad is where I've been spending much time... just look:

My BlogMad Ranking


I'm taking a break from racking my brain to remember as many of the sites I've registered on over the last nine years online because the ATT-SBC-YAHOO-PRODIGY merger (or whatever the heck they are doing) screwed up email accounts I've relied on for almost ten years and I'm scurrying around the web changing those email addresses before they can do any more damage... give me a small reliable company over a massive conglomerate any day...

yeah, so I've been way too busy to have a life anyway, no less too busy to lament over loneliness much, or even come here to update the candor as I used to do since 2001... luckily I find time at work to distract myself with this and that and the other thing...

so all is quite well, fine and dandy, even, here in my little world and I hope it's even better in your world... if you're still out there, let me know (yup, there's always hope around here) J

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